“Marriage and Conflict Resolution”

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Welcome to session four of our series: “Marriage and Our Maker.” Sanja and I were talking last week, and she said, “I hope that people don’t think, from us leading this series, that we have a perfect marriage and we’ve never made mistakes.” And I told her, “Well, let’s tell them a little more about our mistakes.” 

Several years ago, when we were living in Illinois, we traveled up to Champaign, Illinois for a fancy dinner. It’s what Sanja and I like to call our famous “Champaign incident.” We got all dressed up. I put on a nice shirt and a nice jacket. And in the course of our conversation over dinner I brought up how I think Sanja could be more disciplined in her personal life. Sanja got angry. I got angry. And we spent the whole car ride back home in absolute silence. You could’ve cut the tension with a knife. That was not our best moment. 

Later that night, after we had both cooled down a little bit, we went to this dumpy little coffee-shop/restaurant called the Hen House in Arcola, Illinois. And we worked it out. We apologized. We reconciled. It was not our best moment, but we fixed it. Honestly, some of Sanja and I’s worst conflicts have to do with two things: 1) Time management and 2) Home remodeling. We’ve had some doozies over the years concerning those two things. And we’re not alone. 

I heard a story once about the well-known Christian philosopher, Francis Shaeffer. His wife once got so angry at him that she ripped off her wedding ring and threw it at him. Later she and him got down on their knees with a fork and tried to dig it out of the floorboards. By then, they had reconciled and were laughing together over their susceptibility to sin.

Stories like these are legion in the Christian world. It doesn’t matter if you’re a pastor, leader, evangelist, or theologian. It doesn’t matter if you’re a teacher, lawyer, engineer, homemaker, or stockbroker. It doesn’t matter if you’re a butcher, a baker, or a candlestick maker. “All marriages conflict!” Unless you married a virgin-born Messiah who is God in the flesh… you’re going to have to negotiate conflicts in your marriage. Because—newsflash—you married a sinner. 

And your spouse married a sinner too! And that sin inside of us often erupts into arguments, conflicts, disagreements, quarrels, conniptions, squabbles, tiffs, spats, rows, histrionics, and even fits of hysterics. Some conflicts are small. Some are large. And you need to have a plan in place for how you’re going to handle conflict when it happens and allow it to “make” you as a couple instead of “break” you.

Some couples, when they conflict, fight dirty. They call each other names. They yell. They curse like sailors. They threaten to leave. They tear each other to shreds. That is not a pattern or a plan for a healthy marriage. That is a recipe for dysfunction. That’s a recipe for divorce. 

Other couples when they conflict, they fight clean. Do you know what that looks like? They experience conflict. They see their faults. They learn from it, they apologize, they change, and they grow. Good marriages aren’t good because they never have troubles and conflict. Good marriages are good, because the husbands and wives learn from their mistakes, apologize, forgive, change, and grow. 

And that’s because they value the institution of marriage and the vows that they made more than winning arguments and being vindicated in a conflict. In a marriage where couples fight dirty, the commitments of marriage are cast aside. The dignity of their spouse is cast aside. The peace of the home is cast aside. The security of their family and their kids is cast aside. They’ve got to win. And they will change marriage or change the other person to win the conflict. That’s fighting dirty.

All couples conflict. And you either fight clean or you fight dirty. 

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Today’s lecture is entitled “Marriage and Conflict Resolution.” And here’s how I’m going to structure what I want to share with you. I’m going to give you today six rules for conflict resolution in your marriage. We’ll call these “Six Rules of Engagement for Marital Conflict.” And what follows is advice from God’s Word on how to avoid and how to manage conflict in marriage. 

Write these down. Here’s rule #1:

1. When your spouse offends you, don’t react in anger (Prov 10:12; 12:16; 15:17–18)

Isaac Newton’s third law of motions says that “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” So when you drop that silver ball onto the other balls there’s a reaction. And they bounce back and forth back and forth. And conflicts can be a lot like that in a marriage. And that “law of motion” in physics, doesn’t have to be a law in your marriage. So when your wife says something hurtful, and you want to fire back, you don’t have to. When your husband is grumpy or “hangry” or agitated and he hurts your feelings, your human tendency is eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth. You hurt me. I hurt you. It doesn’t have to be that way.

When you react in anger to your spouse’s bad conduct, those two wrongs don’t make a right. And they’re not like offsetting penalties in a football game. If you “react” to another person’s bad action, then you drag yourself down to that person’s level, and you miss an opportunity to avoid an escalation. 

Solomon speaks of this in the book of Proverbs. In Proverbs 10:12 he says, 

12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.

If you love your wife, if you love your husband, then you should not be looking for an opportunity to strike when they hurt you. You shouldn’t be anxiously looking to stir up strife and exchange blows. You are anxiously looking instead to understand them and to defuse an explosive situation and ultimately to forgive. 

When your spouse hurts you, you have a window of opportunity to either react, meaning you re-enact what they did to you…they uppercut, you right cross… or here’s the second option… you take a deep breath, you pray, you recite Proverbs 10:12 to yourself, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses” … and you say, “Sweetheart, is everything okay?” “Did you know what you did just hurt me? What’s going on? What’s the issue?” And you go into the conflict from the very beginning with the intent to heal and forgive and restore, not with the intent of mutually assured destruction.

Later in Proverbs, Solomon addresses this issue again. In Proverbs 15:17–18, he speaks of the dangers of anger and strife in the home. Solomon writes, 

17 Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it. 

“Better is a dinner of herbs.” Herbs! Have you ever had a dinner of herbs? “Hey honey, What’s for dinner?” “O well today we’re having herbs.” “Herbs? You mean like parsley and oregano.” The Hebrew word here יָרָק (yā·rāq) could be translated “vegetables” or “greens.” But honestly that’s only a slight improvement from herbs. “What are we having for dinner today, sweetie?” “Vegetables.” “No, really, what are we having?” In my house vegetables aren’t a dish, vegetables are sides for the meat. And herbs aren’t a dish either. Herbs are what you put on the meat to make the meat taste better.

But what does the Bible say here? “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” You’re better off eating parsley the rest of your life in a peaceful home than living high on the hog in a house of strife. Thankfully, I’ve never had to choose between good cooking and a good marriage. But most men, I believe, if they had to choose between good food and a peaceful home, they would choose the latter every time. Most men if they had the choice between a short life and a happy home or a long life in a house of strife, they would choose the short life in a heartbeat. 

And speaking of men, look at verse 18:

18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. 

  A man who is slow to anger... a father who is slow to react and slow to respond in wrath and indignation… that man quiets contention. By the way, men and women both, did you know that when you are slow to anger, you are imitating deity? Who is this said of in the Bible? “He is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love” (Psalm 103:8). That’s Yahweh! He’s slow to anger. 

Proverbs 12:16 says this, 

The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

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So when your spouse hurts you, don’t react. And secondly, write this down as #2:

2. When your spouse wrongs you, don’t play God (Prov 25:21–22; Ps 4:4; Rom 12:17–21; 1 Pet 2:23)

What does that mean, Pastor Tony? It means you don’t punish or chasten your spouse. Some people don’t react immediately when they are hurt. But they will react slowly and thoughtfully and passive-aggressively. 

They say essentially, “You might have gotten the best of me in open combat, but I’ll get you special ops.” And so they freeze out their spouse. They make them walk on eggshells. Sometimes they give them the “silent treatment”, or they cut them off sexually. And sometimes there’s a wicked “holier than thou” and “I’m taking the high ground” mentality that goes along with this. So not only are they sinning against their spouse, but they are also full of pride and seething with anger.

Listen, when your spouse hurts you, you can’t be the one to punish or chasten them. This is hard for us to grasp sometimes, but the entire moral government of the universe doesn’t depend on your bringing judgment on your spouse. Instead you respond to what God says. 

Solomon writes in Proverbs 25:21–22,

21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink, 

22 for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.

Psalm 4:4 says this, 

Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. 

“You might say, Pastor Tony, she’s my wife, not my enemy. He’s my husband, not my enemy.” Yes, that’s true. And I want to invoke an old Jewish interpretation principle called qal wahomer for this. This is something that Jesus used on occasion. It’s called a “how much more” argument. It means essentially if it’s true for the lesser, then it’s true for the greater. If you are called to treat your enemy with respect and kindness when they attack you, then how much more should you treat your spouse with respect and kindness when they come after you? 

Paul quotes this proverb in Romans 12:17-21 where he says:

17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 

20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Some of you might say, “Tony, this is impossible. Who can do this? Nobody can do this. What’s you’re asking me to do is humanly impossible.” Yeah, I know. In a way it is. It cuts against the grain of all of our human depravity. It is counterintuitive to our very nature as sinful human being. And it is humanly impossible. But with God’s help, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you can do this. God wouldn’t give us commands in his Word that we couldn’t accomplish in his power. 

I’ve heard it said that when couples are in the throes of a divorce it is oftentimes the more guilty spouse that will incite the less guilty spouse into sin. Because when the less guilty spouse sins, it soothes the conscience of the more guilty spouse. But the more kind they are, the worse the guilty spouse feels. 

So when you are in the throes of a conflict… when your spouse is mistreating you or insulting you or acting out sinfully against you, you don’t react! And you don’t chasten or punish them. You do what Jesus did according to Peter. 

1 Peter 2:23 – When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

You don’t chasten; you don’t punish. You entrust yourself to God who judges justly. Sometimes people chasten their mate in an attempt to change them. But that doesn’t work. James Dobson tells this great story about how trying to punish your mate can backfire. There was this woman who put on this dress for work, and she says to her husband, “Can you zip this up for me?” And he grabs the zipper and starts playing with it. Zip, zip, zip. And it breaks. And so she had to put on a dress that she didn’t want to wear. It’s not ironed. And she goes to work angry. 

So when this wife comes home, she sees him on his back under the car working on the car. Well revenge is a dish best served cold. So she goes over to her husband’s pant zipper and zip, zip, zip. And then she walks into her house and to her great astonishment in the kitchen, there’s her husband. And she says, “What are you doing here?” He says, “I live here. why?” She says, “You’re under the car.” He says “No, that’s the neighbor. He said he could fix our muffler.” So she tells her husband what happened, and they both are mortified. They go outside and that neighbor hasn’t moved an inch. Because when she grabbed his zipper, he sat straight up and knocked himself out cold under the car.” 

When your spouse sins, you don’t punish them and try to change them. This is hard for us to understand sometimes, but we’ve got to get this down, “We can make for good mates, but we make for bad deities.” You can’t change your mate by punishing them. When your spouse messes up, you don’t play God. You entrust them and yourself to him who judges justly. 

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So #1 you don’t react to your spouse. And #2 you don’t punish them and try to play God. And #3.

3. You and your spouse must resolve to resolve (Eph 4:26; Prov 15:1; 25:15)

Paul says in Ephesians 4:26, 

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

I’m not saying with any of this that you decide to do nothing. Don’t react. Don’t chasten. But that doesn’t mean you don’t do anything. Instead you resolve to resolve. You sit down with your wife, you sit down with your husband, and you talk through a conflict. 

And here’s the thing. When you talk, your attitude as a married couple has to be, “I’m not here to win. I’m not going to win the argument and lose the marriage.” I heard one pastor say, “I’ve lost every argument I’ve ever had with my wife. I’m 0 for a 1000.” The endgame of a conflict is winning. The endgame is peace. The endgame is resolution. The endgame is respecting and protecting the institution of marriage. 

So when you engage in a conflict with your spouse, you’ve got to be resolved to resolve things. And the enemy is not your wife or your husband. The enemy is “the thing” that’s come between you. And you’ve got to resolve in your heart with your spouse, we’re going to work together and we’re going to kill that “thing.” We’re going to protect marriage. We’re going to protect the peace in our home. 

Remember Proverbs 15:17.

Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it. 

That statement was so good, Solomon had to say it twice. In Proverbs 17:1 he pretty much repeats it. 

Better is a dry morsel with quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.

So let’s talk practically about this. How do you resolve a conflict? Let’s say you’re determined to kill “the thing” that’s come between you. You’re going to protect your marriage and you’re going to strengthen marriage. How do you do it? 

Well, here’s what you do. If you are the offended person — let’s say your wife or your husband hurts you — there’s a way that you come to your spouse and speak to them. You don’t say to your husband, “Hey dummy, do you know what you did?” You don’t say to your wife, “Hey Jezebel! Come here!” If you do that you put your spouse on the defensive. And that conflict starts off in a bad place. 

In Proverbs 15:1, Solomon says this,

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Solomon also says in Proverbs 25:15,

With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.

Also in Proverbs 10:19,

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

If you want to disarm your mate… if you want to get to a place of peace and resolution, you won’t get there with a harsh word. You get there with soft speech. 

If you want to escalate a conflict, it’s pretty easy. Just fire back. Just excoriate your wife, “Foul woman!” Just yell at your husband, “You lousy no good, rotten, son of a gun!” But if you’re going to protect the peace of your home, if you’re going to de-escalate a conflict, then you need to access a soft tongue and persuasive lips and a soft answer that turns away wrath.

My wife is really good at this. She almost never reacts in anger anymore. You know what she’ll do? She’ll start asking questions. “Is everything alright, Tony?” “Did I do something to put you on edge?” “Did I understand you right when you said such and such?” And when she’s irritated and she knows I’m agitated, she does something really wise—she stays silent. For a while anyway. And she lets the adrenaline settle. She lets the testosterone, and the hormones go back in their places. And she’ll let my conscience start to work on me. And sure enough, sometimes she doesn’t even need to tell me, “You’re wrong!” I just know it after a while.

Now listen, if you’re the offender… Let’s talk about this for a moment. If you’re the one that hurt your spouse. [Sometimes it’s not always this cut and dried. Sometimes it’s mutual. But usually there’s an offender and the offended. And so let me just talk about when you offend your spouse.] If your wife comes to you and expresses to you her hurt over something you just did… men, you can’t belittle that. You can’t say, “Well you’re just going to have to get over it. Wives be subject to your husbands!” If you make excuses or if you try to counter-accuse, “O yeah, well you’re not perfect. Just the other day you did such and such.” If you get mad. If you throw things back in her face, you put her in an impossible position. You are not resolved to resolve the situation. You are just sweeping it under the carpet.

Similarly, wives, if your husband comes to you and says, “That hurt me what you did.” You can’t say “O yeah, well you need to man-up! Don’t be so sensitive.” If you get angry at him or make excuses or counter-accuse, you create a cold-war environment in your home. You know what I mean by the cold-war? One of you is the USA and one of you is the USSR. And you might say all the right things publicly. Everything might look peaceful on the outside. But on the inside, both of you are stockpiling nuclear weapons. And it’s mutually assured destruction.

Now will a couple that does that stay married? Maybe? I believe there are numerous marriages out there where one spouse has brow-beaten the other into silence. And they don’t like each other. They don’t love each other anymore. They don’t respect each other. They may stay married for the kids or because they are afraid of the stigma attached to being divorced. But they might as well be divorced. 

They sleep in different beds. They live separate lives. They haven’t been sexually intimate since George Bush was president. You might ask, “George Bush Sr. or George Bush Jr.?” Does it matter, really? Instead of a happy God-honoring marriage, you have two shells of duty. No communication. No love. No tenderness. No sexual intimacy. Is that why you got married? Is that why you put this ring on her finger and said, “I’ll love you till I’m dead?” 

No, when your mate hurts, you got to give them hope. You’ve got to listen and give them hope that things won’t always be as they are. Husbands, your wife doesn’t need you to be her Messiah. But she needs you to be Christ-like. My wife needs to know that this old dog can still learn some new tricks. She needs hope that I can change. And wives, your husband needs hope too. They need to know that you will resolve conflicts in a way that will strengthen the marriage and respect him. He needs hope that you will grow and mature and change. 

Listen, life is change! If you don’t plan on changing in your marriage, do us all a favor and don’t get married. If you are married, then get ready to change. It’s too late to go back. And who wants to stay the same, anyways? I want to change. I’m desperate for change and growth.

Romans 12:2 – Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

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So now what? I’m going to give you three more things, quickly. And I don’t want to give the impression that they are less important than the first three. These are extremely important. If you’re married you’ll be doing these things as long as you both shall live. If your mate comes to you and says, “that hurt.” You don’t react. You don’t punish. You don’t ignore her. You don’t fight to protect yourself. No, you take out your six-guns and lay them down. You turn to your spouse with good body language and you listen. You respect them. 

And then when you understand what you’ve done wrong, you … wait for it … apologize.

4. When you hurt your spouse, you apologize (Prov 14:9; 21:29; 28:13; Matt 23:12; Jas 4:6)

And you know what apologies require, folks? It requires this little ole’ thing that none of us are good at… called humility. Because the Bible says, 

“He that humbles himself will be exalted” (Matt 23:12) 

“The LORD resists the proud but gives grace to the humble” (Jas 4:6)

And a humble person doesn’t hide his sin. The Bible says, 

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper” (Prov 28:13) 

“Fools mock at sin; but among the upright there is good will” (Prov 14:9, NASB)

“A wicked man puts on a bold face, but the upright gives thought to his ways” (Prov 21:29)

I remember watching this Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding documentary a few years ago. I was absolutely riveted by it. Sanja thought I was crazy for watching it. But I just couldn’t believe that that actually happened. If you don’t remember, a figure skater, named Tanya Harding, hired a hit-man to attack another figure skater, Nancy Kerrigan. You don’t see that every day in the world of figure skating. 

And I remember in this special, there was this really awkward footage of like 1998 where Tonya Harding met with Kerrigan and apologized. And the apology was so disingenuous. “Um, I’m sorry that you felt that I… Um I’m sorry that you thought that I…” Can we just be clear on something? That is not an apology. 

So listen when you hurt your husband… or when you hurt your wife… You don’t say, “I’m sorry that you were offended by what I said.” You don’t say, “I’m sorry that you felt I was disrespectful of you.” Or “I’m sorry that you took it that way.” That’s not an apology. That’s actually an accusation cloaked in apologetic language. Because what you’re actually saying is essentially, “I’m not wrong for what I did. You’re wrong for misconstruing what I did!” 

Proverbs 28:13 says this, 

13 Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

The Apostle James says in the NT, 

James 5:16a – confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed

He also says (quoting the book of Proverbs),

James 4:6 – The LORD resists the proud but gives grace to the humble 

You’re not going to score points with your spouse or with the Lord by feigning apologies or by concealing transgressions. Humility is the fastest way to God’s favor. And honesty is the best policy. So, own your sin. Own your sin and apologize. 

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Now #4 is the rule for the offender in the conflict. But what about the offended party? Well Rule #5 is for the person who has been offended. 

5. When your spouse hurts you, you forgive (Prov 19:11; Matt 18:21-35)

Proverbs 19:11 says, 

11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Let me just read this for you in the King James. I like the way the KJV sounds with this verse:

The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Now what does that make you think of when you hear, “pass over a transgression?” It makes me think of Jesus and what he’s done for us. And the truth is, that when you forgive, you are imitating deity. You are imitating your Lord Jesus. And that’s a gracious thing. It’s a liberating thing. It’s a marvelous thing to free your offender and to free yourself from an offence that has been committed against you. 

Forgiveness is liberating. Bitterness, unforgiveness, enmity, malice, strife—those things are cancer, and they will eat you up. So when your wife hurts you, you’ve got to decide ahead of time, “I’m going to be like Christ. I’m going to forgive. We’re going to get to a place of understanding, apologies, and forgiveness.”

By the way, the Greek word for “forgive” is ἀφίημι means. And it means “to release” or “to set free.” It means you release a person from any obligation or debt. 

Peter came to Jesus once and he thought he was being generous and high-minded. He said, “How often should I forgive, Lord? Seven times?” Three times was the standard in Jewish thought. Seven times was unthinkable. Jesus said, “No, Peter, 70 times 7 times.” Peter almost blew a gasket right there (Matt 18:21– 22). 

Sanja and I try to tell the couples that we counsel before marriage, just get ready to repent and forgive about a million times before you die. Maybe a thousand times before your first wedding anniversary. There are no lasting relationships without forgiveness. And forgiveness is essential to a healthy marriage. 

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And finally this is true for both husband and wife. This is true for both the offender and the offended. Because the shoe will be on the other foot from time to time. Sometimes you’ll be offended. And sometimes you’ll be the offender. So, 

6. As you and your spouse conflict, you’ve got to be willing to change (Prov 26:11)

“You got a Bible verse for that, Pastor Tony?” Yes, I do. But you’re not going to like it. 

Proverbs 26:11 – Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.

Is that a graphic enough picture for you right there? I had a conversation with a person once, and we were arguing whether dogs and cats are better. And she said, “You know why dogs are better than cats? You don’t ever have to clean up a dog’s vomit.” And that’s true. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But that’s true. A fool who repeats his folly is like a dog that returns to his vomit.

Is confession good? Absolutely. Are apologies needed? Yes. Is forgiveness a wonderful thing? You bet. But marriage has to be more than just apologies and forgiveness. You’ve got to be willing to change. You’ve got to grow.

If you come home late for dinner, and your wife says, “Honey, I had dinner ready. I sat here waiting for hours and you never called.” You need to say, “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I was wrong.” But the next time you’re running late again. You better call! It’s not enough just to keep confessing. You’ve got to change. 

You might say, “Well Pastor Tony 70 times 7.” Well okay, but you can only go to that well so many times before forgiveness becomes an obligatory act of obedience for your spouse instead of joyful restoration in your marriage.

And wives, if your husband comes to you and says, “Sweetie, do you know what you said? Do you know how that comment disrespected me?” You need to say, “I’m sorry, babe, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said it.” And the next time you’re in public and those words are about to come out. You’ve got to bite your tongue and choose to honor your husband.

Are we going to make mistakes in this? Yes, but we’re going to grow. We’re going to change. We’re going to be conformed into the image of Christ. And it’s a battle. And it’s going to be hard. Can conflicts destroy you? Yes. But they can also make you stronger. Good couples learn from their conflicts, and it makes them stronger. It makes marriages stronger. 

Listen, can I go Lord of the Rings on you for a moment? Marriage isn’t a bunch of hobbits sitting around making merry in the Shire. Marriage is more like Frodo riding up to Mordor with a ring in hand and a million battles along the way. Are there times of joy along the way? Absolutely. Is there grace in the adventure? You bet. Is there danger? Yes. Will you die? Maybe. Will you be the same when all is said and done? No, you won’t. You will change. And if you’re not interested in changing, do us all a favor, and don’t get married. 

I heard Tim Keller go off once on an eHarmony commercial because it painted this picture of a perfect marriage being this way, “He loves me the way I am, and I don’t have to change anything!” What? Really? If you find a woman who says that or a man who says that, then do yourself a favor, and run for the hills. Don’t marry the person who doesn’t want to change or who isn’t willing to change. That’s not going to go well for you. You’ve got to be willing to change. And marriage is one of those things that’s going to show you just how much you need to change. You didn’t think you did before you got married. Now you know you’ve got to change.

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And here’s a great reminder to all of us on how a person changes. We don’t change by osmosis. We don’t change by wanting it bad enough. There needs to be a higher power that a person taps into. 

And for the Christian, that power is found first and foremost through faith in Jesus Christ. You change first into a new creation by faith in the Son of God. And then God gives you the deposit of the Holy Spirit that indwells you and convicts you and transforms you from the inside out. That’s called regeneration. You are born again. 

And once you are born again, then life becomes a process of dying to self, and listening to that still small voice inside of you convicting you, directing you, supplying you with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 2:20 says this, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives and me. And the life I now live, I life by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.” 

If you are here today and you are saying, “I can’t do this pastor Tony. I can’t save my marriage. I can’t make my marriage healthy. I can’t be the person that you are describing in your message today.” That’s true. You can’t do those things. But God can do them. And he wants to do them through you. God help us with this!

Taught by Tony Caffey

Senior Pastor of Verse By Verse Fellowship

Marriage & Our Maker