“Marriage and Our In-Laws”

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Welcome everyone. We are back today in our series “Marriage and Our Maker.” And today is the sixth lecture of this series. We’ve spent some time already establishing the theological foundation for marriage and answered those big questions: What is a husband? What does a husband do? What is a wife? What does a wife do? What is marriage and why did God create marriage? And for the last few weeks we’ve been trying to flesh out that theology in practical areas of life, in specific ways that marriages are made strong. 

And I mentioned last week that there are five areas where couples typically struggle: 

1) Communication and the inability to resolve conflict

2) Money/Finances [we dealt with that last week] 

3) Sexual intimacy

4) Children. How to raise them? How to discipline them? 

5) And this is the topic for us today—in-laws. 

When you get married, believe it or not, you take on parents. When Sanja and I do pre-marital counseling, we cover this topic in our second to last session with couples. And at this point these couples are rounding third base and heading for home. Marriage is imminent. And usually the future bride is overwhelmed with details concerning the wedding. The future groom is changing up his entire life to get ready to merge it with a woman. And the details of this particular message hits home with them. You’re not just taking on a spouse; you are also taking on a new family for “as long as you both shall live.” 

When you get married, you take on parents. And you can’t make an enemy of your new parents. And you can’t blame your conflicts with your spouse on his or her parents. You can’t say, “That’s your problem, dear, the womb from whence you sprung!” You can’t say that! 

And if you are a parent-in-law, there are certain things that you can and can’t do. Parents sometimes unwittingly alienate their children and their children’s spouses by doing unwise things. We’ll talk about that. 

Now I’m going to break this lecture up into two portions. The first half of this message will be directed to sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. I’m going to give you “Four Biblical Principles for the Son-In-Law & Daughter-In-Law.” And the second half of this message will be directed to fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law as I lay out “Four Biblical Principles for the Father-In-Law & Mother-In-Law.”

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Let’s start with the “Four Biblical Principles for the Son-In-Law & Daughter-In-Law.” Here’s #1.

1. Parents and in-laws are to be honored (Exod 20:12; 21:17; Lev 19:3; Deut 5:16; Prov 30:17; Eph 6:2–3)

Moses went up Mt. Sinai and brought down the Ten Commandments from the LORD. They were written on stone for the people of God. And the fifth commandment was this: 

Exodus 20:12 – Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.

Paul calls this the first commandment with a promise. In other words, the previous four commandments went something like this “I’m God, don’t have other gods before me.” Why? “Because I’m God.” “I’m God, don’t make any graven images.” Why? “Because I’m God and I said so.” 

But the fifth commandment is framed a little differently. “I’m God, Honor your father and mother.” Why? “Because I’m God… yes. But also that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”

It seems to me that one of the evidences of communion with God and the inheritance of eternal life is honor for earthly parents. In 2 Timothy 3, one of the characteristics that Paul gives for signs of the last days and false converts is “disobedience to parents.” That’s put right alongside of lovers of self, lovers of money, lovers of pleasure, etcetera (see 2 Tim 3:1–9).

Proverbs 30:17 – The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures.

You know what that is? That’s a baby dedication theme verse right there. Nobody ever picks that as their theme verse for baby dedication. But that’s a good one. 

Now, there are a number of different passages in the OT and the NT that describe the importance of children obeying their parents. That’s important. But I believe there is a statute of limitations on “obedience” in that way. In other words, when Paul says in Ephesians 6:1, “Children obey your parents,” I don’t think that applies for 30-year-old men who are married with their own children. Paul’s talking about pre- and post-pubescent adolescents who are at home with their parents. So if you are a thirty-something man, let me just ease your conscience. You don’t have to obey your parents. Now if you still live with your parents, then you have to obey them. So, do yourself a favor. Grow up and move out. 

But listen, there is no statute of limitations with the command to “honor” your father and mother. The fifth commandment doesn’t end when you take vows at the altar. God expects you to honor them in perpetuity for the rest of your life. You honor them. You respect them. You even, Leviticus 19:3, revere them.

I read a great story about George W. Bush several years ago. Once when he was still president, he visited his parents, George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush. And George W. woke up at 6:00 a.m. and, as usual, went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. And he sat on the sofa next to his parents. And he put his feet up on the table. All of a sudden, his mother yelled, “Put your feet down!” W’s dad, George H.W. Bush, replied, “For goodness’ sake, Barbara. He’s the President of the United States!” His mom said, “I don’t care. I don’t want his feet on my table!” The President promptly did as he was told. Even presidents have to honor their mothers. 

Now how does this apply for the son-in-law or the daughter-in-law? When you get married, you become a one-flesh union with your spouse. You become one physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, and relationally. And their parents become your parents. And you’ve got to love who they love. You can’t say “O those are your parents, not mine.” It doesn’t work like that. You’ve got to love them. You’ve got to honor them. And you’ve got to respect them, especially in front of your children. 

Listen, hear me on this. The parent who disrespects his children’s grandparents in front of the children are taking an axe to the base of their own tree. You need to be careful with that. Those kids are watching. And if you sow disrespect, you’re going to reap it. 

So parents and in-laws are to be honored. You don’t have to obey them. You don’t have to submit to their authority. But you have to honor them. 

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Write this down as #2. 

2. Parents and in-laws are to be left (Gen 2:24; Matt 19:4; Eph 5:31)

Let me be uncomfortably clear about this. When you get married, don’t live in the same house with mama and daddy. Get your own place. Go get a 500 sq. ft. apartment in a rough side of town if you have to. Pay your own bills. And live your own lives apart from your parents. “I can’t afford my own place, Pastor Tony.” Then why are you getting married? 

When God created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, he made it very clear that “Man was to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife” (Gen 2:24). That passage is quoted in the NT too (Matt 19:4; Eph 5:31). But what’s interesting is that Adam and Eve didn’t have parents. That passage wasn’t for them, it was for Adam and Eve’s children. It was for us. God wants kids to cut the umbilical cord and leave the nest and start their own families. And kids who don’t learn how to leave will struggle to cleave. And that becomes intrusive in their marriage.

Let me put it this way. An infant child who nurses and is tenderly held and coddled and pampered and guarded from the world… that’s a beautiful thing. That’s a wonderful thing. But a 25-year-old, married man who is nursed and coddled and pampered by his parents, that’s disturbing. And some parents are as guilty as their kids for letting adolescence perpetuate into adulthood and not cutting the umbilical cord of their relationship. Your kids need to grow up, especially when they get married. 

So let’s talk practically about this. When you get married, you shouldn’t call home every day as a matter of practice. And when you get married you shouldn’t go home every weekend, all weekend long, and sponge off mommy and daddy. And when you get married, you can’t run home when conflicts in your marriage happen. Are there times when parents need to get involved if there is abuse in the relationship? Yes! But average, ordinary, run-of-the-mill conflicts and struggles? No. You as a parent can’t referee your kids’ conflicts or rescue your children from marital disagreements. They need to learn how to resolve conflict on their own. Let them struggle.

One of the things I tell the couples we counsel all the time is “Don’t make your parents the judge or jury in a conflict you have with your spouse. That’s not fair to them.” Because when you do that, when parents are forced to step in and adjudicate, you create an alienation between your parents and your spouse. They’ll either be too favorable to their natural born children or too hard on them. 

Here’s an observational aside. Take this for what it’s worth. Oftentimes parents will forgive their own children a lot quicker than they will their spouses. They know their own children. They raised them. But when you bring in a spouse with a different upbringing and a different personality and a different set of standards, that’s hard for parents to understand. 

And besides, you want to protect that relationship between your spouse and your parents. You don’t want to complicate that. So if you have issues that require a third party for mediation, go to a pastor. Go to an elder. Go to your small group leader. Go to a care ministry counselor. Don’t go to your parents. 

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Write this down as #3. 

3. Parents and in-laws are to be helped as they age (Matt 15:4–9; Mark 7:9–13; 1 Tim 5:3–8)

  Let me hedge a bit with this third point. Don’t use that second point to isolate yourself or permanently ostracize yourself from your parents. Parents can be a great blessing on your family. I cherish the times that I get to spend with my parents. When Sanja’s parents were alive, they were a blessing to us. 

I’ve been reading this book called Get Married by sociologist Brad Wilcox. And one of the reasons that Wilcox encourages young people to get married, stay married, and have children is because the data shows that people who do that are happier on average as they age, then those who don’t. The media won’t tell you that. Andrew Tate won’t tell you that. But Wilcox says it. And I’ll say it. It’s good to get married and have kids. It’s better than the alternative. 

And that’s especially true for senior citizens as they age. They have a much higher chance of being cared for in the twilight years of life if they have children and grandchildren. I’ve heard that in Japan, they are developing robot technology for aging people in nursing homes and assisted living facilities, because there are so many who don’t have children or grandchildren to care for them. That’s where we are headed as a country. 

And amazingly there is an expectation biblically that you are to take care of your parents as they age. In Matthew 15, Jesus got angry with the Pharisees because they had so perverted the OT law, that they were enabling children to ignore the financial needs of their aged parents. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees strongly for ignoring their aging parents and calling it “Corban” (Mark 7:9-13). He thought that their actions were hypocritical and shameful. And Jesus said that’s wrong. 

In 1 Timothy 5, Paul says this in verse 3:

3 Honor widows who are truly widows. 

Now the context of this is widows in the church and Paul is instructing Timothy on which widows should receive benevolence. And by the way the word “honor” here is the same Greek word that Paul used in Ephesians 6 for the fifth commandment “honor your father and mother.” But the context of 1 Timothy 5 has more to do with remuneration and benevolence. The idea here is that you “honor” them by “providing” for them financially. 

But Paul says in the next verse, 

4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. 

One of the first disqualifiers for “widow benevolence” is viable support from family members. If there is a woman in the church who is widowed and in need, Timothy needs to first ask the immediate and extended family of that widow to help with her material needs. Paul gives a reason for this later in verse 16 when he says, “If any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. Let the church not be burdened, so that it may care for those who are truly widows.” 

But another reason from verse 4 is as follows: It’s good for sons, daughters, grandsons, and granddaughters to take care of their own. It’s good for them to “repay” or “recompense” their parents for what they did for them. 

By the way, they’ll never give a full return to their parents. I read once that it costs approximately $250,000 to raise a child in the United States. That’s a lot a dough, right? Parents, if you were looking for something to hold over the heads of your children, there you go. And in light of the cost associated with raising children [and the costs involve more than just money!], it’s good for children and grandchildren to recompense their forebearers. 

It’s not the government’s responsibility to take care of your parents. And it’s not the church’s responsibility either. If a person’s got no family, then the church should step in. That’s what 1 Timothy 5 is all about. But if there is family, the children and even the grandchildren need to step in. 

Look at verse 8 with me:

8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 

How many of you have heard that verse used to support the idea that fathers should provide for their wives and children? I have. And there’s certainly Biblical support for that idea elsewhere. But the context of this statement isn’t about children, it’s about aged parents. And there’s a sense in which even heathen unbelievers know that they need to take care of their parents as they age. So don’t be worse than an unbeliever. Don’t compromise your witness to the watching world. Take care of your parents. 

And that responsibility is going to fall on sons-in-law and daughters-in-law too. When my grandparents got really old and frail in Hobbs, New Mexico, my dad and his brother had to step in. But it wasn’t just them. My sister was active taking care of them. So a granddaughter was helping. And also, one of the most important people who cared for my grandparents at the end of their lives was my aunt Debbie. She’s not a blood relation. She’s a daughter-in-law. But she felt that responsibility. And when you marry into a family you take on that obligation. 

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Write this down as #4. 

4. Parents and in-laws are to be heeded (Prov 1:8; 6:20; 10:1; 16:31; 20:29; Isa 3:5; 2 Tim 3:1–5)

The Bible says this…

Proverbs 1:8 – Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching,

Proverbs 10:1 – A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother. 

Proverbs 16:31– Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.

Proverbs 20:29 – The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their gray hair.

One of the biggest mistakes that young men and young women can make is disregarding the accrued wisdom of their parents. Even if your parents are unbelievers, there’s a sense in which, they have accrued enough common grace wisdom to be of benefit to you as “consultants.” Is that the right term? As “givers of counsel!” As street-smart, shrewd disseminators of insight. 

You might say, “My dad didn’t even finish High School, Pastor Tony. He doesn’t have a college degree.” Well, your dad has some learning from the school of hard knocks, and often times that’s where the best education is found.

Mark Twain said once, “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

So when your parents or in-laws offer you some advice [granted there’s a way for them to do that, and I’ll talk about that in a moment], don’t resent that. Listen to them. Respect them. If it’s bad advice, just listen respectfully and don’t argue with them. It might surprise you over time how that “bad advice” might be better than you thought it was at first. Be teachable when counseled. Don’t be resentful.

Now let me just say one more thing before we move on to parents. When there’s a conflict between parents and children… it happens… When there’s a conflict, the natural born child deals with their own parents. The natural born child takes the lead on rectifying a conflict. 

This rarely happened in my family, but when Sanja’s parents were upset with us or vice-versa, Sanja took the lead in rectifying that issue. Because if I step in and try to rectify it, that could jeopardize the relationship. Typically, parents will interact and forgive their natural born children better than their son-in-law or daughter-in law. 

So if there’s something we need to address with my parents, then I’ll take the lead on that. And I protect the relationship between my parents and my spouse. 

And just for the record, my parents and my wife have a great relationship. Sometimes I think they like her more than me. And Sanja’s parents and I had a great relationship when they were alive. It probably helped that I didn’t speak Croatian very well. 

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Okay, let’s talk parents and parents-in-law. There was a famous song that came out in 1961 called “Mother-In-Law.” Are y’all familiar with that song? It was recorded by Ernie K-Doe and the lyrics went like this:

The worst person I know, Mother-in-Law; 

she worries me, so, Mother-in-Law

If she'd leave us alone; we would have a happy home. 

Now listen, mothers-in-law get a bad rap. But it doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t! And by the way, there is a passage that is often quoted in weddings. It goes like this. “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God” (Ruth 1:16). That passage isn’t about a man and his wife. That passage is about Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi. That relationship can be a blessed, God-honoring relationship. 

So what should you do if you are a father-in-law or mother-in-law? How can you bless your kids and your kids’ mates? 

I’ll give you four things. Write this down as #1.

1. Keep teaching [and modeling] spirituality in front of your children (Joel 1:2–3; Ps 78:2–8)

Keep going to church. Keep reading your Bible. Keep growing as a disciple. Keep growing in humility and the fruit of the Spirit. Keep modeling what a good marriage looks like. Don’t stagnate as a follower of Christ. 

When your kids are young you have a window of opportunity to influence them in a special way. But when they get to about puberty, that influence wanes. Nevertheless there are still important things that you can teach your adult children, or better yet, model for your adult children. 

The prophet Joel in the OT told the people of Israel, 

Joel 1:2–3 – Great things have happened in your days… Tell your children [about] it, and let your children tell their children, and their children to another generation.

  The Psalmist says in Psalm 78:

Psalm 78:2–8 – I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings from of old, 3 things that we have heard and known, that our fathers have told us. 4 We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done… he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, 6 that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, 7 so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; 8 and that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God.

The idea here is that the Israelites should keep teaching and keep modeling and keep passing down God’s truths to their children and grandchildren. That instruction, that testimony, that discourse with your children shouldn’t end when they turn 18. In fact as your kids start to age the discipline needs to be ratcheted down and the dialogical teaching needs to be ratcheted up!

Let me give you some advice here parents. One of the best things that you can say to your grown kids is “I’m sorry for this. I’m sorry for that. I did my best. I tried to love you perfectly, but I failed. But God’s love is better. God’s love is perfect. Look to him. Look to him.” That is such a powerful thing to communicate to your children. 

I heard a pastor say once, “I’ve gone back to every one of my adult children and talked extensively about where I was too lenient and where I was too hard on them when they were younger, and all of those conversations were extremely healthy and meaningful.” I’m getting ready already to talk with my son about all of the mistakes that… his mother made when he was younger… I’m just kidding. All the mistakes I’ve made.

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Write this down as #2.

2. Don't criticize your child's spouse (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21)

And I say that for the same reason that I mentioned earlier about the natural born child rectifying a conflict. You don’t want to alienate your children’s mate. You don’t want your children to have to make a choice between you and their mate. Biblically speaking, you’re going to lose out on that choice, because they are required scripturally to back their spouse.

And when I say “criticize,” I mean you don’t verbalize negativity about your children’s mates, and you don’t even insinuate it. When you go over to their house, you don’t say, “my, my dear you’re looking thin. Are you being well-fed?” You don’t say that. “Is this house hygienic? I think you could catch something here.” You don’t say that. You’ll put a barrier between you and your kids, and you will exasperate them (Eph 6:4). You will provoke them to anger. You will “embitter them” (Col 3:21), and they’ll become discouraged. 

And by the way, before you come over, parents, call first. Don’t show up unannounced. And don’t come by too often. We’ve all seen episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” That show is a great teaching tool. I’ve thought about showing that show as part of my pre-marital counseling curriculum and telling them, “Here’s what not to do! Watch this!” 

There is nothing more painful for a newly married couple than to have parents who are intrusive and critical, especially for the son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Give them some space and let them learn to live together. 

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Write this down as #3.

3. Be sensitive when offering counsel (Prov 10:19; 18:13; 18:21; 29:11)

Don’t be trigger-happy when it comes to offering suggestions to your kids or your kids-in-law. I know how it is, you’ll see a dozen things that they need to do differently every time you spend time with them. But don’t be too quick to correct their problems. God took care of you; he’ll take care of them. Be judicious with your use of advice. In reality you can only take as much ground as they’ll give you, and you don’t want to be unwisely dispersing your wisdom to deaf ears.

The Bible says: 

Proverbs 10:19 – When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. 

Proverbs 16:31 – Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Proverbs 20:29 – A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Choose your words wisely, parents. And choose your approach wisely. If you want your advice to be heeded, you need to be careful how you approach them and how you respect them now as adult children who are a one-flesh union with their spouse. They no longer answer to you. They answer to God. And so you need to respect that. 

Now can parents speak into the lives of their kids? Absolutely! In fact that’s a two-way street. You might be surprised how your adult children start to speak into your life. So keep those lines of communication open and be judicious with how much counsel you give and how you give your counsel. And here’s a piece of advice for all of us—make sure you listen well before you counsel.

Proverbs 18:13 – If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

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Write this down as #4.

4. Don't divide the couple (Matt 19:3–9; Mark 10:2–9)

The Bible says this. Tell me if you’ve heard this before. 

Mark 10:9 – What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

Some of you might be more familiar with the King James Version, 

Mark 10:9 (KJV) – What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Many pastors reference that passage in weddings they officiate. But what’s sad is that often it’s the people sitting on the front rows, who are supposedly giving their children away, who are the most guilty of violating this verse. As a parent, you’ve got to do everything in your power to support and buttress and encourage and reinforce the vows that your children have made. 

And some of you have watched your children go through a divorce. That’s painful. And some of you might have children, who through their own indiscretion, will go through that. But you make sure that you’re not the reason or one of the reasons that they are making that decision. Don’t divide the couple.

You know where I see the biggest problems with this? Money! Dads will sometimes intrusively send money to their daughters, thinking that they are taking care of their little girl. That’s intrusive. Or parents will send money to their kids and say, “Now this is for you, dear, and for you only.” Or “Here’s some down-payment money so that you can get out of that ‘dump’ that you’re living in.” 

The reason that money is so problematic is because money is often seen as a means of control. And it’s often used by parents as a means of control. And if you’re not careful, you can create a lot of friction in a young marriage because you intrusively use your money to steer the marriage the way you want it to go.

Now can you help your kids? Sure. Have my parents and in-laws helped me and Sanja? Yes. Sometimes it was through the purchase of airline tickets so that we could visit them. Sometimes it was through a nice dinner out together that we couldn’t afford. But you can’t obligate your children through the use of money. You can’t try to control them. And if you do, you can cause resentment. So be careful with that. And let them struggle. Let God take care of them. 

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Let me just say finally, the world’s expectation of you as a son-in-law, daughter-in-law, mother-in-law, father-in-law is that you will have friction in your relationships with your in-laws. The world expects that that relationship will inevitably be an acrimonious affair. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

If you are a son-in-law or daughter-in-law, you be a blessing to your in-laws. If you are the father-in-law or mother-in-law, you be a blessing to your kids and their spouses. Bless their lives. My life has been wonderfully blessed by both my in-laws and my parents. Have they made mistakes? Sure. But I can’t imagine life without them. Sanja’s parents became my parents and my parents have become hers. And they’ve been a delight to us. You be a delight to your family. Paul said in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

And I know that there are some complicated relationships out there between parents and their kids. Some of you have unbelieving parents or in-laws. Some of you have unbelieving children. Some of you grew up without a father or without a mother and there’s bitterness there. Some of you had “Christian” parents but they more closely resembled Pharisees and legalists than they do the example of Christ. There are a myriad of different complexities and possibilities when we start talking about this topic. But wherever you are with whoever God has given you as “in-laws,” you figure out how to bless them and be a delight to them. 

Taught by Tony Caffey

Senior Pastor of Verse By Verse Fellowship

Marriage & Our Maker