“Marriage and Our Money”

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This is the fifth lecture in this series “Marriage and Our Maker.” And today we want to talk about “Marriage and Our Money.” Over the next few weeks we are going to dive into the nitty-gritty practical ways in which marriages struggle and marriages thrive. I’ve learned over the years that when you speak about marriage, you can’t just give ethereal, philosophical, or theoretical principles. You’ve got to give practical principles lived out in practical ways. These things have to get into your home and onto your breakfast table. 

 And when we talk about marriage, there are five areas where I see couples struggle:

1) Communication (i.e. the inability to communicate and resolve conflict). We dealt with that last week. I hope you’ve had a chance to put those principles into practice.

2) Sexual intimacy

3) Children (How do you raise them? How do you discipline them?) 

4) In-laws (We’ll deal with that next week). 

And fifthly, there’s our topic for today: 

5) Money (i.e. personal finances). 

Here’s my thesis for today. “If you’re going to have a healthy, God-honoring marriage, you’ve got to figure out your finances. You’ve got to be on the same page with your spouse, and you’ve got to steward your finances in a God-honoring way.”

And to help you to move in that direction, I’m going to give you five Biblical principles on stewardship. And then I’m going to give you five applicational principles for handling money in marriage. 

If you are single here today, listen up. The principles I’ll share at the beginning apply to you as well. And if you listen and put into practice what you see today, it will save you a world of hurt if you decide to get married in the future. 

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So write these down. Here are five “Principles for Biblical Stewardship.” Here’s #1.

1) View your possessions vertically (Prov 11:4, 28; Ps 24:1–2; 50:10–11; Lev 25:23; Matt 6:19–21)

What do you mean by that, Pastor Tony? You don’t really own anything. Everything you own ultimately belongs to God. There’s a sense in which even my notes here are misleading… View your… Earn your… Utilize your… It’s not ultimately yours. Everything belongs to God. 

Now I don’t want to get bogged down in semantics. I don’t think it’s wrong to use the pronoun “your” or the pronoun “mine.” As long as we remember, and as long as we have that check in our hearts, that everything ultimately belongs to God. 

The Bible says, 

Psalm 24:1–2 – The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers.

Psalm 50:10–11 – For every beast of the forest is mine [Yahweh’s], the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine. 

When God brought the Hebrews to the land of Israel, and they became Israelites, he made something very clear to them. 

Leviticus 25:23 –The land shall not be sold in perpetuity, for the land is mine. For you are strangers and sojourners with me. 

God tells them “You are tenants so to speak in the Promised Land. So don’t let this sense of ownership go to your head.”

So when we talk about marriage and finances, we can talk about bookkeeping, we can talk about debt, we can talk about hard work and living within your income… we’ll get to all of those things in a minute... but before all that, we’ve got to start here. You don’t ultimately own anything. Everything belongs to God. You are a steward of his resources. You are tenants in his universe. And as a married couple, you’ve got to embrace that together.

Sanja and I, when we were newlyweds, we did a Crown Financial Class that was taught by Larry Burkett. Larry Burkett is one of my heroes. I used to listen to him on Moody Radio all the time in Chicago. He was like the Dave Ramsey from 30 years ago, except he wasn’t as charismatic, and he wasn’t as funny or bombastic. And whenever you would hear Larry speak or whenever you would use Larry’s curriculum, he would always start here. He would say that it all belongs to God. We don’t ultimately own anything. 

And can I be honest with you? That is so liberating, to just release your possessions to God. “You own them, Lord, not me.”

Can I tell you something else that is incredibly liberating? It’s all going to burn. Every worldly possession in this world will pass away. 

The Bible says, 

Proverbs 11:4 – Riches do not profit in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. 

Proverbs 11:28 – Whoever trusts in his riches will fall, but the righteous will flourish like a green leaf.

That is why Jesus said “Go for the good stuff. Go for the heavenly treasures where moth and rust cannot destroy and where thieves can’t break in and steal” (cf. Matt 6:19–20). 

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So view your possessions vertically. Here’s a second principle. 

2) Earn your income honestly (Prov 6:6–11; 10:2; 11:1; 13:4; 15:27; 20:17; 26:14; Col 3:23–24; 2 Thess 3:10)

I want to emphasize this second point in two ways. First, I want to emphasize the frontside of this statement. “Earn your income.” “Earn it.” Everyone with me? Let me put it a little more bluntly, “Get to work.” If you don’t have a job, get one. If you already have a job then work hard at that job and maybe in time, you can advance and get a better job. God is never please when Christians are lazy, or they slough off in the workplace. 

Proverbs 13:4 – The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. 

Proverbs 26:14 – As a door turns on its hinges, so does a sluggard on his bed.

Proverbs 6:6-11 – Go to the ant, O sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise.… 

7 Without having any chief, officer, or ruler, 

8 she prepares her bread in summer and gathers her food in harvest.

9 How long will you lie there, O Sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep? 

10 A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, 

11 and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man. 

I had a person once who tried to convince me that this passage was somehow allegorical concerning Christ and the church. It should probably not surprise you that the person who argued this way didn’t have a job, didn’t work hard, and caused problems for all of his previous employers. He was a “philosopher.” And what I have found is that philosophy is often the hobby of those who are idle.

The Bible says,

Colossians 3:23–24 – Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

The Bible says,

2 Thessalonians 3:10 – For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. 

Maybe you remember John Smith in Jamestown, Virginia, in 1609? Smith was having a hard time getting the settlers in the new land to work. So he threw down a gauntlet, “He that will not work shall not eat.” That wasn’t original to John Smith. Smith was quoting the Bible. 

So “earn your income.” But also “earn your income honestly.” I worked through all the passages on money in the Proverbs once, and I came up with 17 passages that speak about earning income honestly. 

Proverbs 20:17 – Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be full of gravel.

Are you tempted to cut corners at work? Are you tempted to hard-sell someone a bad product? Are you tempted to fudge figures on your taxes? Are you tempted to cheat time from your employer? You better watch yourself. You might say, “O Pastor Tony, I know some people who got rich by deceit and they’re doing alright for themselves.” Careful, though. There are many ways that God can turn riches into a mouth full of gravel. Sometimes it’s by poverty. Sometimes it’s by discontent. Believe me when I tell you, “God will not be mocked; a man will reap what he sows” (Gal 6:7).

I honestly think it’s going to be harder and harder for Christians to maintain integrity in the workplace as our country drifts farther and farther from God’s principles. We used to take his principles for granted. They used to be part of our warp and woof as a society. But that’s changing fast. And you are going to have to be the anomaly in many work environments not the norm. But God will take care of you. You do the right thing.

The Bible says,

Proverbs 10:2 – Treasures gained by wickedness do not profit, but righteousness delivers from death.

Proverbs 15:27 – Whoever is greedy for unjust gain troubles his own household, but he who hates bribes will live

Proverbs 20:21 – An inheritance gained hastily in the beginning will not be blessed in the end

Proverbs 11:1 – A false balance is an abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight.

So, to summarize, fear God, work hard, do right by God and others. And leave the results to God.

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Here’s #3.

3) Utilize your assets effectively (Prov 13:22; Matt 25:14–30)

There is a tendency among some evangelicals to view money as intrinsically evil or as a “necessary evil.” I’m not down with that. I don’t buy into “prosperity theology,” but I don’t buy into “poverty theology” either. Unfortunately, some have treated money like the monks of the Catholic monasteries treated sex. They say, “Let’s just renounce it as evil.” 

But God gives us money to utilize for his Kingdom. I think God gives us money to steward and grow and multiply. Is money dangerous? Absolutely it’s dangerous. So is sex. Does that me we renounce sex and abstain from using it? No, we utilize sex in the way that God intended it. We don’t pervert it. We don’t idolize it. We utilize it rightly.

The Bible says,

Proverbs 13:22 – A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, but the sinner’s wealth is laid up for the righteous. 

He (or she) doesn’t squander it. He doesn’t fritter it away with silly pursuits. He doesn’t waste it pursuing “get rich quick schemes” or risky business ventures. He stewards it. And he multiplies it.

Do you remember Jesus’s parable about the talents (Matt 25:14-30)? The businessman, the master, goes on a journey and he leaves money with his servants. He gave five talents to one, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. A talent is something like half a million dollars in today’s currency. And so the guy who got five talents doubled his money. The guy who got two talents, same thing, doubled it to four talents. But what about the third guy? He buried it. 

And do you remember how the master responds when he gets back and sees what his lazy servant did? He is livid. The other two guys got rewarded. The lazy servant gets thrown into outer darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 

I have wrestled with that parable for many years. What is Jesus saying? How literally should we take Jesus’s parable about money? Do the talents represent money and how we utilize it? Or do the talents represent something more holistic and broad-ranging than just finances? 

Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to—the talents represent all of God’s resources that he bestows on us his children (e.g. gifts, talents, abilities, time, money, possessions and even life itself). And whatever is true in this parable for the sum-total of all those assets is true for each of those assets individually. 

In other words, God doesn’t want you to squander your time. He wants you to make the most of it. God doesn’t want you to waste your life. He wants you to make the most of it, even multiplying yourself by making disciples. And God doesn’t want you to waste your finances or squander them or bury them in the backyard somewhere or divest yourself of them because they are dangerous. He wants you to use them. He wants you to mobilize the kingdom with them. He wants you to grow them. Not so that your personal wealth can increase (that might be a beneficial by-product of good stewardship but it’s not the goal)! You want to grow your wealth and multiply your finances so that the Master’s kingdom can be expanded. 

If you have a big house, utilize it for Kingdom purposes. If you have a growing business, utilize it to build the Kingdom. If you have a large income, give back a portion of your increase faithfully to the work of the LORD. The more you make, the more you can give. The more that God gives you, the more you will be able to give back to him. God doesn’t reward those who are miserly. 

2 Corinthians 9:6 – Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.

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Which leads me to my fourth principle.

4) Give your money generously (Prov 3:9-10; 11:24-26; 19:17; Mal 3:10; 2 Cor 9:6–7)

The prophet Malachi says as follows. 

Malachi 3:10 – Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need.

Solomon says similarly in Proverbs, 

Proverbs 3:9–10 – Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce; 

10 then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine. 

Solomon also writes the following. 

Proverbs 11:24–25 – One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.

Proverbs 11:25 (NIV) – A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

This is such a basic, beautiful principle. The principle works like this—generosity begets generosity. Who refreshes us when we refresh others? God does! You can’t outgive God. Let me say it a little more emphatically God doesn’t reward hoarders, but God richly, wonderfully, abundantly, bountifully, copiously rewards those who are generous.

The Bible says, 

Proverbs 19:17 – Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.

2 Corinthians 9:6–7 – Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

Don’t cut yourself off from the blessings that God has reserved for those who are generous. When Alastair was a kid, we read J.R.R. Tolken’s The Hobbit together. And Alastair kept asking, “Why does Smaug [the dragon] want gold?” … which of course is one of those delightful child-like questions that you don’t have an answer for. But at the same time Alastair had this little piggybank which he used to buy video games and candy or whatever, and he was getting a little crazy with it. He was holding it and looking around suspiciously at us, like we were going to take it. And I said, “Be careful with that piggybank, little Smaug! It can control you.” 

But the truth of the matter is this—there’s a little Smaug inside of all of us. Don’t let money control you. Instead, be generous with what God has given you. 

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And Fifthly.

5) Enjoy money carefully (Prov 15:16; 16:8; 30:7–9; Matt 6:24; 1 Tim 6:10, 17–19)

Proverbs 15:16 – Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.

Proverbs 16:8 – Better is a little with righteousness than great revenues with injustice. 

In Proverbs 30, Agur the son of Jakeh, says frankly “give me neither poverty nor riches.” He says, “feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God” (30:7–9).

Why did Agur say that? I think it’s because he knew money can be so dangerous. And if Agur knew King Solomon, then he had a living example of that danger in front of him. So he says, “I don’t want to be rich, I don’t want to be poor… put me in the middle, God.”

The reality is we need to be super careful with money. And I want to carefully explain what I mean by this fifth point. Money is not intrinsically evil or intrinsically good. It’s morally neutral. And that means that it can be used for good, and it can be used for evil. 

The ways in which it can be used for good are pretty obvious. Making money can be a lot of fun. Spending money is fun. And using it to help people can be a lot of fun, but boy, can it be dangerous. And so we need to enjoy it carefully so that it doesn’t take control of our hearts.

Paul says in 1 Timothy, that God… “richly provides us with everything to enjoy” (6:17–19). How many of you have heard that passage before? But let me give you the context of that passage: 

1 Timothy 6:17-19 – As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, 

Ron Blue said once, “The only certainty about economics is uncertainty.” Put that in your 401K pipe and smoke it. Don’t set your heart on the uncertainty or riches…

but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They [the rich] are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.”

That puts a different spin on the “God richly provides us with everything to enjoy” statement, doesn’t it? Context is so important when we interpret Scripture. 

Here’s an illustration. Money is like an F-16 Fighter. I had a friend in school when I was younger whose dad flew F-16s at Bergstrom AFB. Those jets are awesome. They are a lot of fun. They can be used for a lot of good purposes. But very easily, without a whole lot of thought they can be used to cause a lot of destruction. And the person who’s typically in the most danger is the pilot. If he’s not careful he can easily destroy himself with that plane. Money’s like that.

Listen, I want to be clear about this. It’s not wrong to have things; it’s wrong when things have you. It’s not wrong to enjoy things; it’s wrong to forget where good things come from. Where do good things come from? Where does everything come from? What does it say in 1 Timothy 6? God provides us with “everything” to enjoy. 

So let me be a little more specific. Can you enjoy a nice vacation? Can you enjoy a romantic dinner with your wife? Can you enjoy, guilt-free, the purchase of something that brings you joy? Yes, you can. You can buy that pricey pastry at the local coffee shop, guilt-free, and say, “Thank you Lord for butter and for sugar and for the pastry chefs who use their skill to turn this into a masterpiece for my tastebuds to enjoy.” 

You can play a round of golf, guilt-free… You can get a mani-pedi, guilt-free… You can enjoy a bottle of wine with your spouse, guilt-free. Just don’t be unwise, and don’t be ungenerous with what God has given you. And don’t be presumptuous thinking that it’ll always be that way setting your hopes on the uncertainty of riches.

Let me say it this way… You can enjoy God’s good materials. But don’t let those materials become materialism. Enjoy money and the things that money buys but do that carefully.

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Now, before we’re done, let’s tie this together in the context of marriage. What are some practical applications for marriage as it relates to money? I’ll give you five things. Write these down.

1) It’s not your money; it’s y’all’s money

Now don’t forget to view your money vertically. It all belongs to God ultimately. But in the sense that you are a steward of God’s resources, married couples are co-stewards. You work together on this, and you steward it and spend it and manage it together. 

Whenever you get a man in the relationship who says something like this, “I pay the bills around here”… that marriage is headed for problems. And that man, by the way, is delusional. The Bible says that when couples marry the two become one. They become one physically/sexually, they become one emotionally, they become one relationally, and they become one financially. You don’t have two checking accounts; you have one. You don’t have two budgets; you have one. You are one flesh. 

Now if your wife stays home, men, her value to you taking care of your kids, housekeeping, cooking, etc. is worth more than half your salary. You can’t afford to hire all those things out. So don’t insult her and embarrass yourself with a haughty, condescending game of “who pays the bills around here?” 

And we live in a day when some women make more money than their husbands. That’s okay. But that money, madam, is not your money it’s y’all’s. Work together on this stuff. Why’d you get married if you were just going to live separate “two flesh” lives? You’re one flesh. Act like it.

And can I give you some more practical advice? Decide who’s going to do the financial reconciling in your home. My wife and I are both finance people. She’s got an MBA and a CPA. I’ve got a finance degree. And when we first got married, we would fight over who’s doing the books. 

But eventually we got to a place where she does the books exclusively. And there’s a sense in which I have to submit to her way of doing things. If she wants receipts; I need to bring her receipts. I can’t use my authority as a husband to usurp or frustrate her role as bookkeeper. I have to abide by her rules. 

Wives, if your husband does the books, you’ve got to abide by his rules. You can’t make his job miserable by writing checks and not recording them.

2) Check with your mate before a major expenditure

Some women get frustrated with their husbands because their husbands carp on them for spending a little extra money on groceries, and yet he spends thousands of dollars on jet-ski’s and tires for his ATV. Can I just say categorically, that’s not right! I never make a major financial decision without my wife’s approval. I need her input on those decisions. I need her to feel comfortable with whatever changes we’re making as a family. 

Now there’s a sense in which, you need to give each other freedom with your daily tasks and expenses. I don’t get my wife’s approval before I spend money to change the oil in the car or fill it up with gasoline. And my wife has money that has been allocated to her for groceries and the upkeep of our home. That’s why I say “major” expenditure. Before you spend a thousand dollars on new tires, talk it over with your spouse. Before you purchase plane tickets to visit your family, talk it over. 

3) Beware of debt

Debt is like that Venus flytrap in “Little shop of horrors.” You feed that monster and then it takes over your life. Can I give you a rule of thumb on debt? I believe that the Bible allows for debt. And in some cases, debt can be a beneficial thing. For most of you in this room, there are only 2, maybe 3, good reasons to go into debt. 

1) Education. In many cases a good education can increase your earning power as a professional, and that makes it a good investment or good stewardship. But you’ve got to be shrewd with this. I know guys who come out of college with $100,000 in debt and a degree in “Art.” That’s not going to increase your earning power. So you need to be wise about this. 

2) A Home Mortgage. You got to live somewhere, and taking out debt to buy a house can help you find a place to live and help you to build equity. Now again, you’ve got to be careful with this. If you buy a house that is ten times your annual income, you’re going to sink. That’s not as easy to do now as it was a while ago when they were handing out NINJA loans like candy. 

Here’s a good rule of thumb. Larry Burkett used to say that your housing expenses should be less than 40% of your total income (that’s your mortgage, insurance, utilities, etc.). I’ve heard Dave Ramsey say that your house payments should be at, or below, 25% of take-home pay. That’s helpful. 

3) A Car Loan. In some instances, a car loan is necessary. But I’d be careful with that. I’d live without that if you could. And for goodness sakes, if you get a car loan, don’t buy an $80,000 Yukon. You’re better off getting a Yugo than a Yukon. 

I heard a stat several years ago that the average American has approximately $8,000 in consumer debt. That’s not houses and schools and vehicles; that’s credit card debt. That is a little shop of horrors. That’s bondage. The Bible says,

Proverbs 22:7 – The borrower is the slave of the lender. 

4) Prioritize giving to God’s work

And by that I don’t mean prioritize giving to missionaries in Africa or Asia. Or prioritize giving to parachurch ministries. By all means, I think we should support those things with our discretionary income. But the firstfruits of your income should be directed towards your local house of worship… that place where you are fed spiritually… and where you have community and communion with the saints. 

Listen, here’s how your income should be dispersed. Before you do anything, you should give back a portion of your income to the Lord. That’s your firstfruits. When I was a kid, I was taught by my parents, if you make 20 dollars mowing someone’s lawn, you put 2 dollars in the offering plate. If you make 50 dollars babysitting, you give God 5 dollars. And God has always rewarded my faithfulness. Sanja and I have seen some lean times in our marriage. We’ve never failed to give back a portion of our income to God. And God has always taken care of us. 

So here’s how your income should be dispersed. 1) You pay God the firstfruits of your income. 2) You pay your bills. You pay your mortgage, your taxes, your electric bill, etc. 3) And what’s left after that is discretionary. You steward it as you feel led. You can put away some for savings… that’s wise. You can give it for broader Kingdom work (i.e. missionaries, parachurch organizations). You can enjoy it carefully for the glory of God. That’s how your money should be prioritized. 

And that leads right into my last point.

5) Live within your means

I heard a very wealthy, successful businessman say this once. He said, “If you make $25,000 a year, and you spend $22,000 a year, you’re rich. Especially by the world’s standards, in America, you’re rich. You’re increasing in equity. You’re growing your assets. But if you make $150,000 a year and you spend $160,000 a year, you’re poor. You’re in a little shop of horrors. You’ve got to live within your means. 

And practically speaking, let me say a few things about that as it relates to marriage. When you get married, when you leave mama and daddy, you can’t live like mama and daddy. You can’t try to imitate the spending patterns of your parents. Because if you leave a home where daddy makes $90,000 a year and you make, let’s say, $25,000 a year, you can’t spend like your parents. And if you do, if you try to imitate their spending patterns, you’re going to bury yourself. And that puts a lot of stress on a home. Sanja and I, for the first seven years of our marriage lived in a 600 square foot apartment and shared a vehicle. It was good for us. 

And let me say a few more things about this last point. Newlyweds, beware of double incomes. You don’t want to find yourself in a position where you both have to work in order to pay the bills and then all of a sudden “junior” comes along. And if mama has to go back to work to help pay the mortgage, mama’s not going to be very happy about that. 

I heard Tommy Nelson say once that often times when he counsels couples, it’s often the husband who is pressuring his wife to go back to work so that they can maintain their standard of lifestyle and so that the husband can have more toys. Men, you be careful with that. Sometimes a wife has to work to pay bills and single moms have no choice. But if you make your wife work, so that you can have another jet-ski or an expensive vacation or to pay the mortgage on a house you can’t afford, she’ll resent you for that. She might even say something like this, “What’s the point of having kids, if I can’t stay home with them and shape them the way I want to?”

And wives, can I say something too? You can’t harangue your husband for not making enough money so that you can have more toys. Yes, your husband has to work, but that doesn’t mean life is fair. And some men have frankly more earning power than others, whether through education or skillsets or background or whatever. Maybe they can move up the ladder a bit and make more money. Maybe they can’t do that because their vocationally stuck. You can’t begrudge that in your husband. 

The Bible says,

Deuteronomy 8:18 — Remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth.

God is just and God is righteous, but that doesn’t mean God is fair. He doesn’t treat us all the same and give us the same earning potential. Let me put it this way, “God is not a communist.” So, don’t harp on your husbands for not making enough money. Instead learn to live with less. 

Taught by Tony Caffey

Senior Pastor of Verse By Verse Fellowship

Marriage & Our Maker