WHAT IS A HUSBAND?

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Last week we answered the question, “What is a Marriage?” Today I want to answer another fundamental question: “What is a Husband?” And if you would give me a little latitude, allow me to make some broad observations right now. When I look out on the American landscape today, I see two mistakes that men make. I see “emasculated man,” and I see “machismo man.” Let me explain those two. 

First of all I see “emasculated man.” I see weak, apathetic, and wimpy men who are afraid to lead. They are complacent. They are lazy. They are too weak to lead themselves, let alone their wives. And emasculated, wimpy men don’t please God. Maybe their wimpiness is brought on by the culture we live in? We live in a world where men are actively encouraged to be more like women. And if they try to lead, or if they fail at leadership, they are immediately labelled with that terrifying label “toxic masculinity.” 

But then there’s another kind of man in America. There’s emasculated man, and then there’s machismo man. Machismo man orders his family about. If machismo man ever gets married, he treats his wife with disrespect. He shoots guns. He rides a motorcycle. He watches American football. He drinks and eats to excess. He selfishly pursues his own hobbies. And he rules his family with an iron first... if he even has a family. 

In fact, there’s been a movement in our world right now, it’s a massive reaction to the influence of feminism in our country… you might call this red-pill masculinity... or Andrew Tate masculinity… where marriage is viewed as entrapment, women are meant to be used and discarded as needed, and children are better off avoid. 

Now I want to talk about marriage today. I want to talk about what is a husband. And I want to present to you something better than “emasculated man” and “machismo man.” Between those two extremes is the kind of man that loves his wife, loves his family, works hard, leads with toughness and tenderness, and loves the Lord God with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength. That is the biblical presentation of masculinity. That is the biblical understanding of a husband. 

So when we ask the fundamental question, “What is a husband,” how do we answer that biblically? Well the assumption is, first of all, that a husband is the male of the species. God created male and female separately, and he gave them separate and complementary duties in a marriage. We looked at that last week. But, we can add to that that a husband is a man who enters into the covenant commitment of marriage with a woman, and he commits to lovingly lead, nurture, and care for her and their offspring. Let me repeat that as a definition. What is a Husband? A husband is a man (a biological male) who enters into the covenant commitment of marriage with a woman, and he commits to loving lead, nurture, and care for her and their offspring. 

If it helps, think about the verb not just the noun. To husband means to manage something as a steward. We talk of those who husband the ground, that is farmers who bring forth the best from their crops. We talk of animal husbandry, that is, the caring of a farm, and the caring of animals, to produce economic return. As husbands, we husband our marriages. We husband our families, even. We care for them, nurture them, and bring out the best in them. 

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Now when we talk about marriage, we’re not just talking about a temporary institution that was created by God for us to enjoy. Remember what I said last week—we’re talking about a picture, a copy, a display of that which is eternal—Christ and his bride, the church. That great romance, that great eternal marriage is pictured for us in earthly marriage. I say that just to add weight to our discussion today. Men this is not something you want to screw around with, men. You are called to imitate Christ. 

And to that you might say, “Great, pastor Tony. Now I know what a husband is. But I need to know what a husband is supposed to do!” Okay, I want to help you with that. I want to direct you to three scriptures that speak of what you are called to as a husband. And then, after we look at those, I’m going to spend the rest of our time fleshing out practically what that looks like. I don’t want to speak in just generalities or theological abstractions. Men need specifics. And I want to give you clear and specific ways to love your wives.   

And let’s start here. Turn with me to Ephesians 5:25. Ephesians 5 has some of the most concentrated teaching on marriage. I could spend weeks on this passage, but I just want to overview the big theme here in 

verse 25:

(Eph 5:25) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Write this down as the first point for tonight. Here’s what God has called us to, men.

1) A husband loves his wife sacrificially (Eph 5:25)

Now this statement right here is ultimately a statement about leadership or more appropriately we might use the term headship. Because look at verses 22-24. 

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Real leadership is ultimately about self-sacrifice for the good of those being led. Moses in the OT was a good leader. He told God after the incident with the golden calf “my life for theirs. Kill me not them.” He was willing to lay his life down for the Israelites. David says at a judgment of Israel in 2 Samuel, “my life for theirs; kill me not them.” Paul says in Romans, “Would that I was accursed for the sake of my brethren, Israel.” Jesus says to God the Father, “my life for theirs.” Jesus laid down his life for the church. That’s the way it has to be with any leadership role. A good general lays down his life for his soldiers. A good coach lays down his life for his players. You elevate the needs of your followers above your own. That’s what a husband is called to do. That’s what a father is called to do. That’s loving leadership. It’s not oppression. 

Jesus said in Matthew, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (20:25–28).

I heard a great story about Joe Montana once. Whenever one of his linemen made a mistake hiking the ball or whatever, Joe would take the blame for it. He would tell the coach, “My bad, coach, that was my fault.” And then the coach would rip into him for the mistake. Even though the lineman and the quarterback and sometimes even the coach knew it wasn’t Joe Montana’s fault. Now what do you think that did for Joe Montana’s reputation among the lineman. They loved him for it. They were willing to follow him anywhere, because they knew that Montana wasn’t just using them to advance his own standing before others, he was willing to self-sacrifice on their behalf. 

Men that’s what great leadership looks like. And if you do that right, I don’t think your wife will have a problem with Ephesians 5:22. 

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Maybe she will. But in my experience, women don’t struggle with submitting to the leadership of a godly, self-sacrificing husband. They struggle submitting to a selfish husband. They struggle with submitting to a lazy husband or a domineering husband. Most men who are doing Ephesians 5:25 have wives that are perfectly content with Ephesians 5:22.

I heard John Piper say that if husbands really understood the magnitude of what’s conveyed here in Ephesians 5:25, you would never have to give application at all. In other words if men just meditated on this reality and it sank deep into your souls – love like Christ – then you would have everything you need to be a husband. You wouldn’t need illustrations. You wouldn’t need applications. You wouldn’t need counseling, premarital or otherwise. If you were really gripped by the gravity of what Paul says here, that’s all you would need. 

Now I’m not sure I agree with Piper completely. But I understand what he’s saying. If you get this down, men, “Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church,” you’ll be okay. Everything else is just details for how that is lived out. But if you need some applicational “how-to’s,” I’ll give you that too in just a few moments. 

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Now there are only three passages in the NT where husbands are given explicit instructions. There’s Ephesians 5. There’s Colossians 3:19. And there’s 1 Peter 3:7. Turn with me a few pages forward to Colossians 3:19 and we can read that together.

Here Paul is writing to another church, the church in Colossae. And he says something awfully similar to Ephesians 5. He says in verse 18.

(Cols 3:18-19) Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Literally verse 19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.” Don’t be harsh with them. Don’t be embittered against them. Don’t allow bitterness to fester in your marriage. Here are some key words for your marriage men: 1) forgiveness, 2) repentance, 3) kindness, 4) gentleness, and here’s a key word 5) tenderness. 

Write this down as the second point for tonight. God has us to love our wives sacrificially. God has also called us to love our wives tenderly. 

2) A husband loves his wife tenderly (Col 3:19).

Now I know how it for you, men. You go off to work in the morning to that dog-eat-dog work environment. And there is spitting and cursing and cussing and yelling at work. You get chewed out by your superiors, and you occasionally have to chew out your subordinates. You get downsized and laid off and promoted and demoted. And it’s a struggle to survive. You got to grit your teeth and grind out a living. 

And when you get home from day after day after day of this, the temptation is to take that gruffness right into the home. You can’t do that! You can’t be in boss mode when you get home. You got to set that aside and speak and interact with tenderness. 

And I would even say, the way that we speak and interact with our wives needs to be different than the way that we speak to our kids. When my son was younger, I said pretty frequently, “Quit crying! Stop whining! Rub some dirt on it, you’ll be fine! Get to work!” I’m trying to prepare him for that dog-eat-dog work environment. But you don’t talk to your wife that way. Instead, you speak with tenderness. You ask about her day. You ask about the kids. You listen. You really listen!

And maybe before you step into that doorway, men, you need to take a deep breath. And you pray a quick prayer as you transition into the home environment. “That’s really hard, Pastor Tony.” Yeah, it is hard. Husbanding isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s for real men who want to do masculine things. And this is what you committed to when you make those vows when you put a ring on her finger and said, “I’ll love you and I’ll cherish you as Christ does the church.”

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And thirdly, here’s what God has called us to, men.

3) A husband loves his wife honorably (1 Pet 3:7)

You know this business of husbands leading and loving their wives, that’s not just a Pauline concept. That’s a biblical concept. And Peter’s got something to say about this as well. He says:

(1 Peter 3:7) Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, 

Now let me explain that. Women are not weaker intellectually. Women are not weaker spiritually. In many ways, I’ve noticed that women are stronger than men spiritually. But physically women are weaker. That’s why men pretending to be women in female sports is not only ludicrous, it’s dangerous. If I was a woman-athlete in today’s world, I would be furious at that development. 

Women are weaker physically, but they are also more emotionally sensitive. And that’s not a bad thing. That’s how God made them. Women are more susceptible to fatigue and to depression. 75% of depression medication is prescribed to women. Women are more empathetic than men, and that’s not a bad thing. They are more nurturing than men. There’s a greater level of fragileness, there a great level of preciousness, that God created women. And that’s part of how God created them emotionally and physiologically and psychologically. 

Now don’t fool yourself. We are all fragile creatures—men and women both. We are both described as earthen vessels or jars of clay. But there is a sense in which God created women as the weaker vessel. 

And so, if men really wanted to, they could dominate women physically. And they have historically, to our shame. And if men really wanted to, they could abuse them verbally, especially in the context of marriage. And not only is that ungodly, it’s unbiblical. It’s sinful! 

Peter says here, “don’t you do that, men.” Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Be a sympathetic and kind husband. Solomon says in Proverbs 11:17, “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.” A husband who is unkind to his wife is taking an axe to the base of his own tree.

So when your wife is hurting over an issue, men, you don’t just say “Get over it! Man up!” You don’t say, “You’re too sensitive. Why can’t you be more like a man?” Instead you show honor them as the weaker vessel. You understand them. 

Why? Look at the end of verse 7.

since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

Yikes. That’s terrifying. This is pretty close to God saying, “If you don’t treat your wives rightly, men, you’re going to have to answer to me for that.” I don’t want my prayers hindered. So I’m going to do my darndest to love, honor, and treat my wife with kindness.

There’s this famous scene in the musical “My Fair Lady,” where Professor Higgins struts around singing, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man.” I used to watch that and laugh. And I laughed because I thought that statement was so true. Why can’t a woman be more like a man! Now, I watch that and laugh, because I understand that that statement is stupid! Do we, as men, really want women to be more like men. I don’t Do I want my wife to be more like a man? No. What a tragedy that would be!

For the record, I love that my wife is different from me. I love the way she nurtures and empathizes. I love the way she mothers my son. It is different from the way that I father him. God has uniquely equipped her for that function. I love seeing her emotional sensitivity displayed. Don’t dishonor that, men. Esteem her in the way that God created her. Honor her as the weaker vessel but equal heir with you of the grace of life.

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So, those are your commands in the NT, husbands. That’s what God has called you to do. Now some of you my say, “Thank you, Pastor Tony. I get the ‘what’ we’re supposed to do conceptually. But I need some help with the ‘how-tos.’ I need help with some specific, practical ways in which these concepts are lived out in my marriage. I need help in understanding how day by day in small, appropriate ways I can husband my wife the way God expects me to.” Okay, if you are asking that question, here’s what I’m going to do for you. I’m going to give you, in the time that we have left, 10 things! And I’m calling these:

Ten ways that a man can love his wife as Christ loves the church:

And just so you know the following things that I’m gonna give you are not complicated. And if you are only doing one or two or three things on this list on a regular basis, then you aren’t loving your wife the way you should be. 

And here’s how I’m going to frame these ten things. I’m going to frame them as thesis-antithesis. I’m going to frame them as do this and don’t do this. Here’s what you do – thesis! And here’s what you cannot do – antithesis. And if you are doing two or three or more of these antitheses, men… you listen up. You need to stop doing that. Because if you are doing those things, you are destroying the one-flesh union that God has created. You are destroying yourself. You are taking an axe to the base of your own tree. And you need to quit. 

So, here we go. Here’s #1. 

1. Be tender with her; don’t be gruff towards her.

You don’t yell at her. You don’t lay hands on her. You don’t call her names. You don’t treat her like she’s a soldier in your army. And you don’t treat her like she’s a worker on your assembly line. You treat her with respect and with class. You speak tenderly to her. You speak tenderly about her. Chivalry isn’t dead in modern day America, it’s just gone to seed.

When you got married, probably your wife didn’t choose you because you were God’s gift to leadership. Probably she didn’t say, “I just need to get in the wake of that man, and draft on his greatness because he is a leader par excellence.” Maybe she did? But probably not. She fell for you because you touched her. And you held her. And you talked to her with respect. You opened the door for her. You treated her with class and with tenderness. And she thought to herself, “I could use about 60 years of this, and she married you.” 

Now I’m a realist. So I’ll just tell you, some of that eros and the romantic euphoria will wear off after a while. Some of the butterflies that you first felt when you started dating will wear off. Thank goodness for that. But the tenderness should not. The kindness that you showed her while dating should be a sixty-year phenomenon. 

Write this down, #2.

2) Esteem her; don’t ever demean her. 

To esteem means that you treat somebody as if they were valuable. It means that regard them in a high and lofty way. You honor them. The opposite of that, the thing that you can never do as a spouse is demean them. 

Dennis DeHaan tells the story about how he was chided once by a woman when he was opening the door for his wife. The woman said to him, “I think she’s capable of opening that door for herself!” To which, DeHaan responded, “I don’t open the door for her because she is incapable. I open the door because she is honored.” And that’s how you are supposed to treat your wife. You treat her with esteem and with chivalry and with class.

One of the best ways that you can esteem your wife is to listen to her. Be a good listener, husband. She has honored you by being willing to share her opinions with you about stuff. She has honored you by being willing to share her feelings with you. Honor her back by listening. And don’t just listen to solve her problems. That’s not always what she needs. Turn your problem-solving mode off, and just listen. 

Write this down, #3.

3) Praise her publicly; don’t ever run her down. 

There are public actions and then there are public words. In Proverbs 31:28–29, the husband praises his wife and says, “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” It is nearly impossible to respect someone privately who you run down publicly. Men, speak well of your wives publicly. Don’t go to work and tell your co-workers about your sorry wife. “The old ball and chain is at it again.” That is great wickedness. Speak well of them publicly. 

And wives, let me talk to you for a minute. You got to give your husbands something to work with. Love and respect him. Give him something to work with so that the is motivated to praise your wives publicly. 

Write this down, #4.

4) Appreciate her; don’t take her for granted. 

“Thank you for cooking dinner, sweetheart. Thank you for taking care of our kids. Thank you for making sure they don’t kill themselves at home all day. I’m not sure how you keep them alive.” Appreciate your wife. 

Write this down, #5.

5) Help her; don’t be excessively demanding.

If you have a wife who stays home, help her with the dishes. Help her put the kids to bed. Help her with the laundry. Be servant-minded in that way. You know, being a servant-leader means more than just being a servant. That would be incredibly reductionistic to think that. But being a servant-leader does mean that from time to time you literally serve your wife in whatever way you can. 

The best example of that is Jesus. What did he do when his disciples came into the upper room? He washed their feet. He served them in that way. But was there ever a moment in which there was any doubt in that room as to who was the leader? Absolutely not! Jesus was in charge and they loved him and they followed him.

Write this down, #6.

6) Woo her; don’t let romantic love disappear altogether.

Now I’m going to teach an entire message on this later in our series, so I don’t want to shoot all my bullets now. All I want to say is this, “You don’t just woo to marry, you also marry to woo.” Tony Evans once said, “We don’t woo to marry, we marry to woo a woman for the rest of our lives.” 

Some men treat dating like hunting. They go after a wife like a choice elk. They’ll do anything they have to do to win her heart, and then when they woo and win them, they think they’re done. But that’s not how it should be.

Let me say it this way—Don’t be like Adam from “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.” His wife says to him, “It wouldn't hurt you to learn some manners.” And he responds, “What do I need manners for? I already got me a wife.” Don’t be like that, men. 

Write this down, #7.

7) Work and support your family; don’t shirk your responsibility as breadwinner.

Now there may be a season of schooling or unemployment or training where the wife is the primary breadwinner. Sanja was the primary breadwinner when I was going through seminary. That was a big sacrifice on her part. And that was difficult. Thankfully, that was a temporary situation. And we are in a position now where she can choose to work or not to work. That’s ideal. And the breadwinning responsibility is rightly on the husband’s shoulders. 

And by the way, ladies, no woman should grouse at her husband, because he doesn’t make enough money. That’s a very disrespectful thing to do. Men have to play the hand that they’ve been dealt. Some men have huge earning potential. Some don’t. God’s not fair in the way that he deals out earning potential. But it is not wrong for a woman to expect her husband to work and care for the needs of the family. 

8) Give her a sense of security in the marriage; don’t let there be even a hint of unfaithfulness

Women don’t like when their husbands ogle other women or flirt with other women. And women especially don’t like it when their husbands are hooked on pornography. If you are a man who gives into pornography regularly, I would say that you will never be able to hope for anything better than a mediocre marriage. If that’s an issue, you need to get help with that.

And for you single guys out there let me say this. This doesn’t have to start when you get married. You can start working on faithfulness right now before you ever get married. I heard a pastor say once, “If you are single, love your wife now and meet her later!” Sleeping around, and sitting around in idleness, and blowing your money on stupid stuff, and going into debt… that’s the most unloving thing that you can do to your future wife. Love her now and meet her later.

9) Encourage her to pursue her interests so that she doesn’t feel trapped

What do you mean by that, Pastor Tony? Well most women give up a lot when they marry. My wife gave up her church, her friends, her comfort zone. I moved her a thousand miles away to pursue seminary and ministry, which she was up for. But she left her job. She left her friends. More recently so that she could stay home with Alastair, she left her career, which she doesn’t regret. She’s given up a lot. So one of the ways that I can love her is by letting her pursue her interests. For my wife that means a hand saw and some power tools. For your wife that might mean photography or blogging online or an indoor volleyball league or travelling internationally. Whatever it is, within reason, you help her. 

Remember what Christ has done for us. He always leaves us better than when he found us. He helped us become more than we ever could have been without him. 

And remember what the word husband means in English. It means “caretaker” or “steward.” As a farmer, you husband the ground. You help it to grow and flourish. You do that for your wife. You care for her and encourage her and help her to flourish. And one of the ways you can do that is to encourage her to pursue her interests. She gave up a lot for you. So you reciprocate.

10) Lead her spiritually; don’t be an adverse influence on her walk with God.

Men, you be the one that gets your family to church on time. You be the one who leads in Bible study, Bible-knowledge. I don’t care if you’re a pastor, I don’t care if you’re a plumber, I don’t care if you’re an engineer. You lead your family in spiritual things. You be the one who asks good questions and starts a theological dialogue with your wife. 

You be the one who leads in apologies and repentance. You be the one who runs hard after God and encourages your wife to do likewise. Don’t ever let people think to themselves, “I wonder what that woman could have become if she hadn’t of married him!” I want my wife’s prayer to be, “God give me the strength to keep up spiritually with my husband.” 

That’s a big part of Ephesians 5 by the way. I know we didn’t get into it earlier, but later in that passage Paul says, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body” (5:28–30). 

That nourishing isn’t talking about physical nourishment. It’s talking about spiritual nourishment. So how do you lead your wife spiritually? Pray with her. Talk with her about her devotions.. Give him instruction from God’s Word. Don’t be preachy and don’t be judgmental. That’ll cause her to clam up. Encourage her. Nourish her. Lead her. Pray for her. 

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So there you are, men. Ten things. No man here today should be able to say from this point forward, “Love my wife as Christ loves the church? What does that mean? What does that look like?” I just did my best to relay that to you. 

Now I know you men are going to look at that list and think to yourselves, “O my goodness, that is a massive list.” Yeah, it is, and you’re going to fail at it. You’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to have to return to this list and recommit yourselves. Listen there’s only one perfect groom in this world, and it’s not you. Jesus Christ is the only perfect groom. 

Thankfully your wife doesn’t need you to be Jesus. She already has a Messiah, and it’s not you! She doesn’t need you to be perfect. But she does need you to be teachable. You need to grow. We all need to grow. I need a reminder of these things constantly. So don’t be discouraged men. Be challenged. Get fired up for these things and endeavor to love your wife as Christ loves the church. 

Taught by Tony Caffey

Senior Pastor of Verse By Verse Fellowship

Marriage & Our Maker