Key Scriptures: Matthew 11:46-50; 19:10-12; 22:23-30; 1 Cor 7:24-40; Isaiah 56:1-7

We continue our series today, “Marriage and Our Maker.” And as we begin, answer the following question for me. What do the following thirteen people have in common? 1) Sir Isaac Newton (the famous scientist and physicist) 2) The prophet Daniel in the OT, 3) Emily Dickinson (the well-known American poet) 4) George Frederic Handel (the composer who wrote the oratorio “Messiah”) 5) Nikola Tesla (the inventor) 6) Queen Elizabeth I (the famous queen of England) 7) Jane Austen (the nineteenth century British novelist) 8) Mother Theresa, 9) John the Baptist, 10) Amy Carmichael (the well-known Irish missionary to India) 11) Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 12) The Apostle Paul, and finally 13) the Lord Jesus Christ. What do these thirteen people have in common? They were all single. And they died single. They were all able to make an incredible impact on our world, and some were able to make an incredible impact on eternity. And God used their singleness to do great things. 

Now here’s a question some of you might have right now, “Why do we need a message on singleness in a series on marriage?” Well for a few reasons. 1) Because we have some singles in our church who need to know what the Bible says about singleness and how to use their season of singleness (no matter how long it is) for God’s glory and for his good pleasure. 2) Marrieds need to know about singleness so that they can encourage their single brothers and sisters in Christ. Singles should encourage their married friends in their stage of life, and marrieds should encourage their single friends in their stage of life. 3) And thirdly for many of you who are married, you are raising singles right now. I don’t know if you realize that or not. You are raising future single men and women. Before they are married, they’ll be single. And you need to know how to encourage them during that stage of life to stay pure and follow God and patiently wait on God for a spouse.

And the worst thing that you can do to your single children is say, “When are you going to give me some grandbabies?” That’s not helpful. And that puts unnecessary pressure on them to marry and maybe even compromise in order to marry. And it devalues their status as a single person. God doesn’t do that. 

In fact, the Bible has a lot to say about the positive aspects of singleness and how singleness can be utilized for kingdom purposes. And by the way, Jesus was single all of his days. He’s still waiting on his bride to come at the marriage supper of the Lamb. The Apostle Paul was single. John the Baptist was single. And so we need “A Biblical Theology of Singleness.” 

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Now here’s what we’re going to do. I want us to look at four texts today. And we are going to construct from those texts four principles on singleness. You can see those in your notes and follow along as we go. And after we look at those texts, I want us to consider four applications for single people in the church. And then four applications from God’s Word for married people in the church. 

So four texts with four principles. Then four applications for singles. Then four applications for marrieds. That’s where we’re going today. And the first text I want us to look at together is Matthew 19. Turn there with me.

Now the context of this first passage is Jesus debating with the Pharisees, which Jesus does a lot of throughout his ministry. And what happens here is that the Pharisees start quizzing Jesus about divorce and remarriage. This was a notoriously thorny issue at that time… it still is in Christian circles in our day… and these religious leaders were hoping to trap Jesus with his response. 

But Jesus, as usual, turns the tables on them and gives them a biblical, spiritual smackdown. And the climax of that smackdown is found in verse 9 where Jesus says,

9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

But after this climactic statement in verse 9, Jesus’s disciples make a curious statement. Look at verse 10.

10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 

Now I don’t know what the spirit of this question was. I don’t know if his disciples said this tongue-in-cheek with a snicker and a smile. “hmmm, maybe it’s best if we just don’t marry then Jesus!” I don’t know if they said it in despair. I don’t know if they said it inquisitively, practically begging Jesus for a reasoned response. 

Whatever their intention, Jesus gives them a fascinating reply in verse 11. Look what he says. 

11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” 

Now, Jesus describes singleness (and really childlessness) in three categories. Some are single because of their anatomy at birth. These “eunuchs” would include men or women who have damaged genitalia at birth. This would include also those whom we refer to as intersex (The old word was hermaphrodites, but intersex is a better term for those individuals who are born with aspects of both genders). Those intersex individuals are loved by God. They are made in the image of God. And they can have a wonderful impact upon Christ’s kingdom. 

Jesus gives a second category in verse 12. Other “eunuchs” include those who have been castrated at a certain stage in life. This was unfortunately common in the Ancient Near East. Foreign rulers would often emasculate subjugated men before they would serve in a foreign court. We see eunuchs used by King Xerxes in the book of Esther. According to Isaiah 39, this happened to some of the Israelites, even the royal bloodline, when they were taken captive in Babylon. There is some evidence that Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were eunuchs in Babylon. I wouldn’t take a bullet for that, but it’s a possibility. And once again, God loves these eunuchs and they can have a wonderful impact upon his kingdom. Even in the early church this was true, because one of the first converts was the Ethiopian Eunuch whom Philip baptized (see Acts 8:26–40). 

Now here’s the third category. I believe those first two categories are literal “eunuchs.” They are physiologically altered in some way, so that they cannot marry and have children. But the third category—“Those who make themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom”—I take that metaphorically. I don’t think Jesus is talking about self-mutilation. He is speaking metaphorically about those who commit to a life of singleness for the sake of the kingdom. This may even include those who have been through a divorce (especially in light of the context of Matt 19) and therefore voluntarily choose a life of singleness. 

And what Jesus says here is that the decision to remain single is an honorable decision. It’s meaningful. And indeed there are advantages to being single. Jesus closes verse 12 by saying, “Let the one who is able to receive this receive this.” It’s as if Jesus is saying, “You’re right, disciples, it is better not to marry. And whoever can live a life of singleness should. Singleness can be of great benefit for the kingdom of God. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” 

“O really, do you have an example of that Jesus?” Yes! Jesus could say, “I am the great example of that!” In fact, I believe that in a way Jesus’s statement here is autobiographical. He’s saying, “I have metaphorically made myself a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” 

 Now let’s talk about how this impacts our understanding of singleness. Write this down as the first point from our message. God expects singleness to be respected within the church. And God expects singleness to be stewarded for kingdom building.

1) Singleness is to be stewarded for kingdom building (Matt 19:10–12)

When I look back on 2,000 years of church history, there are two mistakes that Christians make with regard to singleness. On one side of the equation, singles are marginalized and stigmatized, which I think is wrong and also unbiblical. But in some circles, singleness is glamorized as inherently pious and also regulated as necessary for clergy and other ministers of God. And that’s wrong too. Jesus balances those two extremes here and explains that singleness is not for all people, but for those who can receive it, it can be used as a benefit for the kingdom of God.

Now as we look out on the landscape of singleness today in America, we see statistically that more people are single today than ever before in our country. Singles outnumbered married adults for the first time in our nation’s history. And that’s not in and of itself a bad thing. The question is “Are singles in our country today using their season of singleness for building Christ’s kingdom?” The answer to that unfortunately is no. Now there are some singles in the church who are using their singleness for Christ and his kingdom. We’ve got that here in our church, Praise God! And I’m encouraged by that. 

But the majority of singles in our country unfortunately spend their single years in idleness, in sin, in wantonness, in self-aggrandizement, oftentimes far from God. And I even hear people speak positively about singles who “sow their wild oats” in their single years, as if that was a good thing. As if that is some kind of necessary rite of passage that a person needs to go through before they get married. Let me just say that that is a far cry from what Jesus is exhorting us with here in Matthew 19. 

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Now turn with me to another text and let’s explore this further. Turn with me to 1 Corinthians 7. Jesus could have been speaking autobiographically about himself when he referenced those who make themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven. He could have also been speaking prophetically about the Apostle Paul. Because Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:5, “Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and [Peter]?” Paul says essentially, “I have the right to be married.” But I chose singleness for a reason. And he gives us that reason in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul says in verse 6:

6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Some people are gifted with marriage. Others are gifted with singleness. Each has its own unique problems and prospects. Each has its own unique set of challenges and opportunities. 

John Piper would say this, “Marriage has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that singleness does not have. Singleness has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that marriage does not have. To God be glory in the Christ-exalting drama of marriage and in the Christ-exalting drama of the single life.” And the church, instead of segregating those two groups… married people over here, single people over here… instead of doing that the church should leverage the strengths and the experiences of those two groups as they mingle together for the glory of God.

Paul says in verse 8, 

 8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 

What an incredible statement right there! How often do we recite this to singles in the church?

9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. 

Remember Jesus’s words in Matthew 19. “Let the one who is able to receive this receive it” (19:12).

For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

If you can get married, and you can’t deal with the temptation of lust, then you should get married. That’s super practical and helpful. And as Paul said already most of the apostles including Peter were married. That’s not an indictment on their spiritual lives. 

Now skip down to verse 25 and let’s follow Paul’s argument more.  

25 Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. 27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.

What kind of “worldly troubles” is Paul talking about? Well, I’ll tell you. When I was single I didn’t worry about things like health insurance. I didn’t worry about things like braces for my children. I didn’t worry about things like homeschool, public school, or private school for my son. I didn’t worry about things like hospitality, and where people would sit when they came over to my apartment. I didn’t worry about things like hygienic living conditions. My goal when I was single was to be able to pack everything that I owned into one carload so that I could move out in a moment’s notice. 

Some single guys just throw a sheet down on the ground and throw everything they own on that sheet, wrap it up, and throw it in the car. Sometimes they just burn it all and start over! Now when I got married, that lifestyle changed forever. I don’t regret the change. But it is different. 

And in Paul’s day you had the added danger of putting your wife and your children, at risk if you were a follower of Christ. That’s why he says, “in view of the present distress.” People wanted to kill you if you were a Christian. In a world like that, there were some added benefits to being single, as there are today if you were a missionary in a Muslim country. 

By the way, some of the most effective missionaries in hostile locations throughout the Protestant era have been women, not men. Why is that? Because women are able to live and work in those places without being viewed as a threat to the community. Call it the Lottie Moon effect. And women like Lottie Moon and Gladys Alward and Amy Carmichael and even Elizabeth Elliot for a time were amazingly effective as single women missionaries.

But the main reason that singleness was advantageous, according to Paul, is given in verse 32.

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.

Why were those single women in missions so effective? At least in part, it’s because they didn’t have to fuss over their high-maintenance husbands. And why was Paul so effective as a single man in ministry? It’s because he could go to dangerous places and live on a shoestring budget and didn’t have to concern himself with a wife and kids. 

Now is it wrong for a married man to be concerned about his wife? No! Is it wrong for a man to be concerned about his kids? No! In fact, it’s right for him to be concerned. And it’s right for a married woman to be concerned about her husband. What Paul is saying is that a married person’s interests are divided between Christ and their spouse. Their affections are divided. Their time and energy are divided. And for that reason, it’s good to be single. 

When Sanja and I got married, we both felt viscerally how much our relationship with God changed. And it took a while for us to “grieve” our season of singleness when our relationship with the Lord was the only thing we were concerned about. Does that make marriage wrong and sinful? No. Does that make singleness right and marriage wrong? No. “Each has his own gift from God,” Paul says. And we need to learn how to love God and serve God in the place where he has put us.

Let me read that quote again from Piper. “Marriage has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that singleness does not have. Singleness has its unique potential for magnifying Christ that marriage does not have. To God be glory in the Christ-exalting drama of marriage and in the Christ-exalting drama of the single life.”

Write this down as a second principle on singleness.

2) Singleness has unique potential for magnifying Christ (1 Cor 7:24–40)

Let me just say this to the singles who aspire to marriage. Your single years should be used to cultivate contentment in Christ. If you don’t find your identity in Christ before you get married, if you don’t look to Christ as the only person who can meet the deepest longings of your heart, you do a disservice to your future spouse, because they can’t meet that. They can’t be your messiah. At most, they can only imitate the love that Messiah has shown you.

And so your single years shouldn’t be spent sowing wild oats or indulging your flesh. But neither should it be spent pining and obsessing over a future spouse who you think will make your wildest dreams come true. That satisfaction needs to be found in Christ. And that goes for us married folk too. Christ is our everything, and anything we put in his place whether that be a spouse or our children or sex or whatever is an idol that will destroy us. We need to look to Christ. 

And you might say, “Well what do I do, Pastor Tony while I’m single and waiting? I want to get married. I’m willing to be single, but one of the deepest desires of my heart is for marriage and children. What do I do?” Here’s what you do. You go to church. You serve the Lord. You invest in kingdom work. You become the person that a godly man or woman would want to marry. 

If you are a man, you grow up! No woman wants to be married to a man who is addicted to video games, booze, and pornography, while simultaneously living with his parents. If you are a man, you get a job that can support a wife. You talk with a girl. Don’t get all mystical about dating or marriage like God’s going to give you a flashing sign from heaven “this is the one.” You serve the Lord. You plug into a community of faith. You talk with people of the opposite sex. And you pray. And you wait for God to answer that prayer. 

If you are a woman, you pour your affections into Christ. You become the woman of God that a man of God would want to marry. And this is the hard part of it. You accept that God might say, “No, I want you to stay single.” 

This is very near to my heart. My older sister is single. She loves the Lord. Two of my closest friends as well are single. They have desired marriage. But God has not allowed that possibility. And so they have embraced their status as single people and they have embraced their unique potential for magnifying Christ, which is different from the way a married person magnifies Christ. 

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Now write this down as a third point from our message.

3) Singleness doesn’t mean a family-less lifestyle (Matt 12:46–50)

This is a mistake that some single people make. They rob themselves of the spiritual family that God has given them.

Turn back with me to Matthew. Matthew 12:46–50 tells the story about Jesus’s mother and his brothers. This is when Jesus was still in Galilee. And a man said to Jesus, “Your brothers and your mother need to speak with you.” If you remember Jesus’s brothers weren’t very keen on his ministry until after his resurrection. And so they wanted to have a little chat with Jesus. Probably they wanted to tell him to quit pretending like he was the Messiah. 

Well Jesus doesn’t address his mother and his brothers. Instead he says something that is nothing short of radical. He turned to the man and said: “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

When Jesus came to earth he created a whole new paradigm for kinship that had nothing to do with blood relations. You might say, “Blood is thicker than water, Pastor Tony.” No, Jesus’s blood is thicker than the blood of family relations. And he sets up a new paradigm for family. 

In Luke’s Gospel, Luke tells the story about a woman who cries out to Jesus, “Blessed is the womb that bore you, and the breasts at which you nursed!” Do you remember what Jesus said to that woman? He didn’t say, “Yes you’re right, my mama is blessed.” Of course that’s true. But that’s not what he said.

Instead he turned to her and said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!” (Luke 11:27–28). In other words, there is a kinship that is formed… there is a family unit where blessedness and love are stronger and more lasting than blood families in this world. And that family unit is eternal. 

“Blood is thicker than water?” Actually, yes! The blood of Jesus which knits our hearts together as the family of God is stronger than any blood-family bond in this world. And that family goes right on into eternity.

Let me just read you a quote from the book This Momentary Marriage, “Marriage and family are temporary for this age; the church is forever. … [B]eing in a human family is no sign of eternal blessing, but being in God’s family means being eternally blessed. Relationships based on family are temporary. Relationships based on union with Christ are eternal. Marriage is a temporary institution, but what it stands for lasts forever.”

You know I’ve read Genesis 2. And I’ve considered what God says there, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” And I wrestled with that tension between the goodness of marriage in Genesis 2 and the goodness of singleness that Paul and Jesus both describe in the NT. I think you too should wrestle with that tension. 

But let me just say this. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to be alone. Singleness doesn’t mean aloneness and it doesn’t mean familylessness. God has given this wonderful provision of the church. God has given this wonderful provision of the family of God that can meet the deep need of togetherness and community in a single person’s heart. 

Now I’m not saying that the church always does a good job taking care of singles and being a family to them. We need to do better. But I am saying that singleness doesn’t have to mean isolationism or being without a family. I’ll talk in a little bit about how we can do a better job of interrelating as a family of marrieds and singles. 

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Now let me just address one more thing before we talk application. Some of you might say, “Okay Pastor Tony, what if I remain single for the rest of my life? What if I never marry? What if I never get to experience the joys of sex? What if I never get to love a wife like Christ loves the church? Or submit to a husband as Christ submits to God the Father? And what if I never am able to have offspring? Didn’t God say, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth?” How do I account for that deep desire in my heart?” 

Well there’s no way that I can answer those questions satisfactorily. But I do want to say this, and I want you to know that the Bible does address this concern. 

Write this down as a fourth principle.

4) Singleness doesn’t exclude a person from an eternal inheritance (Isa 56:1–7; Mark 10:29–30)

In the book of Isaiah, Isaiah (a married man, by the way) says this in 56:3–5.

3 Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the Lord say, “The Lord will surely separate me from his people”; and let not the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree.” 4 For thus says the Lord: “To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, 5 I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.

Now what is this passage speaking about? What God says here to his people is that those who choose a life of singleness, or more appropriately for those who are chosen for a life of singleness, let them not say, “behold I am a dry tree.” Let them not say “behold, I am childless and without an inheritance.” God can supply something for you that is better than sons and daughters. 

Now some of you know that having children to inherit after you was a big deal in the OT. It was a big deal for Abraham. It was a big deal for Boaz and Ruth. It was a big deal for all the OT saints. It was a big deal ever since God said in Genesis 1, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” That’s what makes God’s statement in Isaiah 56 so surprising. He says to the childless, “Don’t you say, ‘I am a dry tree.’” Don’t you relegate yourself to a second class citizen. God can supply you with blessings and an inheritance and a monument that are better than sons and daughters.

Here’s the thing. Marriage and family are temporary institutions. Our inheritance with Christ is eternal. The kingdom of God is not propagated by sexual intercourse; it’s propagated by regeneration....not by birth but rebirth… by those who have been born again. No familial relationship on earth is eternal. Our relationship with Christ is. And our inheritance with Christ is eternal. 

Now to that Isaiah passage you might say, “That’s Israel in the OT, Pastor Tony! That doesn’t directly relate to me.” Okay, well here’s what Jesus says about this in Mark 10:29–30. 

Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, 30 who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.

God can meet the deepest desires of your heart, but he might not meet them in the way that you expect. You might not be a biological father, but you might be a spiritual father to someone else. You might not be a biological mother. But you can be a spiritual mother to others. That’s why Paul, a single man, can speak of his disciples as his children. And he can say in 1 Corinthians 4:15, “I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel.” 

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Now to all that, you might say, “Thanks, Pastor Tony. That’s very theologically enriching. But what am I supposed to do here and now as a single person? How do I put some of these principles into practice?” Well let me help you with that. Like I said earlier, I’m going to give singles four applications and then I’m going to give four applications for married folks. But let me start with the singles. Let me answer the question “What do I do right now? How do I make the most of my single years?”

Let’s start with this.

Application for Singles in the Church:

1) Fix your eyes on King Jesus 

Let your passion for Christ so consume you that singleness doesn’t become an identity crisis and so that marriage, family, and children don’t become an idol. There are a lot of things that I could say at this point that would be helpful for Christian singles. I could say “don’t date unbelievers.” The Bible says, “Don’t be unequally yoked to unbelievers” (2 Cor 6:14). Dating, I believe, is inherently pre-marital, so why would you get into a premarital relationship with an unbeliever? Why start something you can’t finish? 

I could say some other helpful things like, “Don’t obsess over who your future spouse will be!” Or “Don’t look at every single person of the opposite sex through the lens of ‘is he the one?’ or ‘is she the one?” That can become incredibly obsessive in the life of a single person. I did a fair amount of that when I was single, and I regret it. I think it made me less content in my singleness than I should have been and less fixated on Christ my Savior. 

I could give you more little practical things like that, but I think if you do this first thing well, a lot of these other things will take care of themselves. Fix your eyes squarely on King Jesus. Look to him for the deep longings of your heart.

You know when I met Sanja, one of the most appealing things about her to me was her contentment in Christ. She had almost a complete lack of neediness. In many ways I felt like I had to talk her into marrying me because she was so happy as a single woman. She loved the Lord. Her Bible was worn out with excessive use (Be leery of the “Christian” man or woman that has a pristine Bible). And that’s what I was looking for. I wanted a woman who was so enraptured by the Lord that she could become a partner with me in ministry.  

Secondly, write this down.

2) Use your season of singleness for an eternal impact 

Let me put it this way, “Fix your eyes on King Jesus and fix your eyes on building King Jesus’s kingdom.” Those years of singleness are precious years. It’s a time in your life where you can dedicate yourself, without the distractions of marriage and family, solely to kingdom building. 

Now are married people committed to kingdom building? Absolutely! Look at the example of Priscilla and Aquila in Scripture. But as the Apostle Paul says, “The married person is not just concerned about Christ, they are also concerned about their spouse.” And so their energies are divided between Christ and their mate. 

So if you are single, here’s what that should look like. You should have a church family. You shouldn’t have six different churches that you attend six different Bible studies at. You should be serving in the church. If you have discretionary time available, how can you use that for Christ and his kingdom? Are there youth, you can mentor? Are there small groups that you can attend? Are there married couples that you can encourage or babysit for? Are there married couples that you can spend time with and learn from? 

I’m so thankful for some of the singles in our church. Let me just encourage you right now. Some of you teach in children’s ministry. Thank you! Some of you serve on the worship team. Thank you! Some of you have been such a blessing to our church and to Sanja and I personally. We are blessed with faithful God-following singles in our church. Thank you for that. Be encouraged in that. The rest of the world may disparage you for your faithfulness to the church, but who cares? What do they know? What does the world know about a life well-lived as a single person? They don’t have a clue.  

Thirdly, write this down.

3) Don’t isolate yourself from your church family

I think I’ve touched on this already. Let me just give you a couple illustrations. My youth pastor, when I was a teenager, was single. And he had a huge impact upon my life. I actually watched him date his future wife and get married while I was a teenager. It was amazing. Praise God for that. 

And when I was single, I was a youth pastor. When Sanja and I met, I was discipling teenagers. I was just a few years older than them. And what was neat about that is that I was adopted by just about every family in my church. They loved me. And I loved them. I was regularly welcomed into their homes. 

I lived about 200 miles from my parents at the time, so if a holiday rolled around and I didn’t have a place to go, there were usually multiple invitations by people inside of our church. And you know what, I accepted them…almost every time. Single guys rarely turn down a free meal. 

And fourthly, singles,

4) End your season of singleness in a God-honoring way

And by that I mean, date well. If you go on a date with a girl, be respectful. Be chivalrous. You just talk and get to know each other. And if you ask for a second date or a third date, you just makes sure that you maintain purity all the way to the end of your dating experience. 

And if she says no to another date, that’s okay. If he doesn’t ask her for a second date, that’s okay too! We can still worship God in the same church together. 

It’s interesting how dating has changed in our day. There was an invention about 100 years ago that changed dating forever. Do you know what it was? The automobile. Back in the day, you would never take a girl off in a car by herself. You would sit on the front porch with her and talk while grandma watched you through the windows with a shotgun in her lap. 

Now I’m not going to reminisce about the good ‘ole days. Sexual sin is as old as time. God wasn’t taken by surprise when humans invented gas-powered transportation. There is a way in our day to maintain purity and to date with integrity. 

Just make sure that you obey the key Biblical principle, which is this, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song 8:4). Paul tells young Timothy, “treat younger women [in the church] with all purity as you would your own sisters” (1 Tim 5:2). Would you sexually defile your own sister? Would you let someone else do that to your sister or to your daughter? No! Of course not. 

Now if you’ve made mistakes in this area, as many of us have. God is not a reluctant giver of grace. God can restore, and God can replenish the years the locusts have eaten. But you need to repent if you’ve made mistakes in that regard. You got to turn from sin and agree to do it God’s way henceforth. It’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. 

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Alright, let’s talk to the marrieds. Write this down.

Application for Marrieds in the Church:

1) Affirm Singleness

Don’t tell your single children, “When are you going to give me some grandbabies?” Don’t tell the single women in your church, “I don’t know why no young man hasn’t scooped you up and carried you off yet.” Don’t tell your single friends, “Have you ever thought about online dating?” Don’t do that to them. Because when you do, you imply that somehow they are incomplete as single people. God doesn’t view them that way.

And whatever you do, don’t ask them insensitively, “Don’t you want to get married and have children?” Chances are, they do. And God has said no. And the only thing more painful than hearing God say no is hearing their married friends imply that their singleness is their own fault not a decision rendered by a sovereign, Almighty God. So affirm them in their singleness.

Affirm them by saying, “I admire the way that you imitate Christ in your singleness.” Affirm them by saying, “God’s grace is evident in your life.” Affirm them by encouraging them to not settle for anything less than God’s best for their lives. 

And singles, let me just say this. If your married friends say insensitive things to you. If they call you a “bachelor to the rapture,” and that stings a little… forgive them. They know not what they do. 

For some of us, after 10 or 20 or 30 years of marriage, we forget the challenges and the temptations that come with singleness So forgive our insensitivity. And maybe communicate your struggles to us so that we can better understand and sympathize with what you’re going through.

Secondly, marrieds,

2) Mingle with Singles 

Married folk, invite singles into your home. Feed them. Invite them over for holidays. Be available for counsel when they ask you to evaluate a potential candidate for marriage. 

I know there are complications that arise when you’ve got interactions between single women and married men or single men and married women. But honestly those complications exist between married men and married women too. In other words, a married man should never spend time alone with someone other than his wife, whether that woman is married or single. And the same goes for married women with single or married men. So this principle (mingle with singles) works best in public settings. 

Think about Paul and Priscilla and Aquila in the NT. That was a really healthy dynamic that was mutually beneficial.

Write this down too, married folks.

3) Weep and rejoice as needed [with your single friends]

Paul said, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom 12:15–16). And that’s part of the human experience for a single person, when they marry, and when they don’t marry. 

I read an article once about a church that pretty much viewed weddings in their church as an inconvenience. They were things that got in the way of their church programming. I think that’s shameful. Let’s rejoice when God brings two people together. Let’s celebrate weddings. It puts a smile on God’s face. It should put a smile on our face. 

And for those in our midst who long to be married, let’s be sensitive to their situation in those moments. Some people love being single. Others struggle with it. Let’s be sensitive to that. Let’s weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.

Finally. Fourthly.  

4) Remember marriage is not the final destiny of any human

Don’t ever paint married life as the endgame of human existence. It’s not. Remember Jesus’s words, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven” (Matt 22:30). 

If you remember the context of that statement, the Sadducees were trying to trap Jesus with some lame question about a woman who had been widowed seven times. They said, “Who will she be married to in heaven?” And Jesus replied by saying, “There’s no marriage in heaven, you goofballs.” “You know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage.” 

Marriage is a temporary institution. Yes, marriage is good and wonderful. But don’t make it into an idol. Don’t idolize marriage and don’t idealize marriage. There are unique blessings and challenges available to the married person. There are unique blessings and challenge available to the single person. “Man-wife-children families are temporary blessings for this age. In the age to come, they will not exist. But the church will exist as a family forever.”

Piper says it this way, let me just close with one more quote from This Momentary Marriage. This is applicable for married folk and single folk alike. 

“Marriage is beautiful and physical. Singleness is beautiful and physical. God made them both. Both are designed, like all of nature, to display the glory of Christ… Marriage and celibacy can be idolatrous. Spouses can worship each other or worship sex or worship their children or worship double-income-no-kid buying power. Singles can worship autonomy and independence. Singles can look on marriage as a second-class Christian compromise with the sexual drive. Married people can look upon singleness as a mark of immaturity or irresponsibility or incompetence… But what I am trying to clarify is that there are Christ-exalting ways to be married, and there are Christ-exalting ways to be single. There are ways to use our bodies and our appetites in marriage and in singleness that make much of Christ.” Wherever you are in that… whatever your marital status is right now before God, make much of Christ.