Proverbs 18:1-24

SPOTIFY

Audio

Manuscript

Let’s take our Bibles together and turn to the Book of Proverbs. We’re continuing our series “Fearing Deity & Defying Stupidity,” and that brings us today to the choice wisdom of Proverbs 18, a section of Scripture that deals with the subject of friendship as well as others.

There’s a famous Aesop’s fable about two travelers walking in the forest. And as they are walking, they encounter a massive, terrifying bear. And after seeing the bear, one of these travelers shimmies up a tree and abandons his friend. The other traveler, left in the lurch, falls on the ground and pretends to be dead. And as he’s lying there, this fearsome creature comes over to him and whispers something in his ear. After that, the bear ambles away into the forest. After seeing this, the guy up the tree climbs down and asks, “What’d that bear say to you?” And the guy replies, “He said, ‘buddy, you need to find some better friends.’”

One of the things that I believe as a Christian pastor is that Christians should have the deepest and most meaningful friendships in this world. And that’s because of Christ, and that’s because of the Christian brotherhood we have as believers, and that’s because of Scriptures like Proverbs 18. 

Proverbs 18 is packed with a lot of helpful, practical, proverbial nuggets. We’ll go through them all. But the main ideas of this chapter involve friendship. There are good friends, bad friends, no friends, and too many friends. In verse one, the issue isn’t bad friends, it’s no friends.

1 Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.

That’s not good. And the issue at the end of Proverbs 18, in verse 24, is different. It’s the issue of too many friends. Or more precisely too many “companions.”

24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. 

So the emphasis of this chapter, at the start and at the beginning, is finding and sustaining meaningful friendships. The wise will do that. The foolish will not. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Go ahead and write this down as #1 in your notes. I’ll give you today five things that friendships require from Proverbs 18. Here’s the first.

1) Friendships require good communication (18:1–4)

Dogs bark, whales moan, sheep bleat, cows low, cats caterwaul, and racoons chitter. All of those animals communicate in their beastly ways. But none of that involves real communication. Human beings on the other hand actually communicate. They converse with words and speech and meaningful messaging back and forth including body language. 

And by the way, that’s how God communicates to us. He uses words and sentences full of facts and feelings in his Word. And part of us being made in the image of God, is that we can communicate like God in that way. And that facilitates relationship. And that facilitates friendships. 

So Solomon says in verse 1, 

1 Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.

This person in verse 1 doesn’t want relationship. He doesn’t want communication with others. And Solomon calls that selfish and unwise.

Simon and Garfunkel sang those sad lyrics in their 1965 song, “I am a Rock.”

I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain

It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain

I am a rock; I am an island

I don’t know if Paul Simon wrote that song ironically or not. But either way, it’s really sad. And the Book of Proverbs says, “Whoever isolates himself [like an island] seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”

What does it mean to isolate yourself? Well assumed here is a kind of self-centered egotism that would prevent a person from developing relationships with others. What we’re dealing with here is a misanthrope. If you remember from last week, we had the misanthropic person who makes his door high (17:19). He doesn’t let anyone inside of his house. He lives alone. He isolates himself. He orders everything from Amazon and Uber Eats so he doesn’t have to interact with bothersome people. He self-centeredly seeks his own desire. And Solomon says here that that person “breaks out against all sound judgment.” 

Look at verse 2.

2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Verse 2 is the opposite of verse 1, but not in a good way. The selfish person from verse 1 egotistically keeps himself at a distance from people. The selfish person from verse 2, doesn’t hide from people, but instead egotistically airs his own opinions. He’s not interested in relationship or discourse. He’s a non-stop talker. He’s a prattler and a pontificator and a know-it-all. Those individuals are tiresome. And they don’t really seek friendship or relationship. They don’t even seek understanding according to verse 2. They just want to blather.   

Look at verse 3.

3 When wickedness comes, contempt comes also, and with dishonor comes disgrace. 

4 The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook. 

Now verse 4 is different than verse 2. Assumed for verse 4 is the wisdom of the man speaking. When a wise man speaks, people listen. There is depth in his words. There is thoughtfulness. There is a fountain of wisdom like a bubbling brook. 

In ancient Israel, water was a precious commodity. It still is in the Middle East today. And that’s why, in the book of Genesis, Isaac went around digging for water. And he even got into a conflict with the herdsmen of Gerar over one of the wells he dug (see Gen 26:17–22). That’s because water was an essential commodity. You can’t live without water. And a well that disperses fresh water is especially valuable. And Solomon uses that analogy here to speak of a wise person’s wise words. They are like deep waters that are dug out of a well of deep wisdom. They are like a bubbling brook or a wadi that is overflowing!

Some people, when you spend time with them, it’s like you imbibe energy and life and wisdom from them. You feel invigorated hanging out with them. Other people, to use the water analogy again, are draining. They spew folly not wisdom. Be careful of the company that you keep. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Write this down as #2 in your notes. 

2) Friendships require integrity and trust (18:5–8)

Look at verse 5.

5 It is not good to be partial to the wicked or to deprive the righteous of justice. 

Literally what’s said here is “to lift the face” to the wicked is not good. This is a Hebrew idiom for showing favor. If you lift up the face of someone’s bowed head, that means you are favoring them. And that’s good. But if you lift the face of a wicked person, that’s not good. That’s not favor, that’s favoritism. 

And the corollary of that on the backside of verse 5 is depriving the righteous of justice. That’s not good either. Moses wrote in Leviticus 19:15, “You shall do no injustice in court. You shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor.” And also in Deuteronomy 10:17, he wrote, “For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe.” So partiality is no small matter before the Lord.

Look at verse 6.

6 A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating. 

Fools thrive on conflict. And more often than not, they find the conflict they are looking for, whether verbal or physical. I have a friend in Chicago who used to go into bars in the city and just look to pick fights with people. He got saved later in life, but before that, he got a sick satisfaction in beating people up. And he didn’t even mind getting beat up himself. He was so full of rage. He was so full of anger towards the world.   

Look at verse 7.

7 A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul. 

After reading these verses, I’m sympathetic now to the person who isolates himself in verse 1. Because sometimes it seems better to just avoid people altogether than to interact with fools. And this world has no shortage of fools and foolishness. 

And I’ll just tell you that communication involves risk. Relationships involve risk. If you are going to engage in real relationships with people, sometimes you’ll get burned. Jesus had his Judas, and the Apostle Paul had his Demas, Phygelus, and Hermogenes (2 Tim 1:15, 4:10). And it seems clear from David’s imprecatory psalms in the OT that King David dealt with fools and painful betrayal too (e.g. Ps 58; 69; 109). 

And I’ll say this too. If you are going to make an effort to evangelize people… if you are going to share the good news of Jesus Christ with boldness in this world… don’t be surprised when people cast scorn on that good news. Don’t be surprised or even discouraged when people treat that good news like bad news and hate you for sharing that with them. 

In my own experience, I’ve had more people reject me for sharing the gospel than embrace me. Some people are receptive. Some people are angrily unreceptive. And some people are ambivalent. That’s the reality of sharing your faith with others. 

Paul said in 2 Corinthians that we are the aroma of life to some and the aroma of death to others. He says, “For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things?” (2:15–16). 

There is an aroma that goes heavenward. We are the aroma of Christ to God in this world. But there is also a fragrance that is spread throughout the world too. It is a sweet-swelling fragrance to those who are being saved, and it is the aroma of death to those who are perishing. And if you are going to share Christ with others, you’re going to have to risk being the fragrance of death to some in order to be the fragrance of life to others. Because some people out there are going to foolishly reject the offer of the gospel that saves their soul.

Look at verse 8.

8 The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body. 

Literally it says, “they go down into the private chambers of your belly.” Just like food goes inside of you and becomes part of you, so do the “words of a whisperer!”

The Hebrew word for “whisperer” here is a negative term. So it’s not like Robert Redford in “The Horse Whisperer.” The Hebrew word רָגַן (rā·ḡǎn) has the idea of “murmuring” and “complaining,” like the Israelites did in the wilderness. And the broader idea here is “gossip.” Gossipy words are like delicious morsels. They taste good at first. But they go down into your inner parts and start to rot your soul. And they destroy relationships. 

Charles Spurgeon used to tell his pastoral students that the minister ought to have one blind eye and one deaf ear. Blaise Pascal said once, “If all men knew what each said of the other, there would not be four friends in the world.” The great medieval, Hebrew scholar Abraham Ibn Ezra said once, “Do not listen to gossip, or you’ll never be at peace.” That’s the idea here. The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels. But they go down into the inner most parts of your body and give you spiritual indigestion. 

There’s a great moment in C.S. Lewis’s The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, where Lucy is looking at a book of magical incantations. And she sees a spell that allows her to hear what her friends are saying about her. So she casts this spell, and sure enough she can hear what her friends are saying about her. And lo and behold not everything that her friends were saying about her were good. And it actually destroys some of her friendships. 

Friendships require integrity. And friendships require trust. And good friendships require confidentiality. One of the things that our “Care Ministry” emphasizes here at VBVF in counseling is confidentiality. That’s so key. And that should be emphasized in our small groups as well. If we want to increase relational intimacy and accountability, we need confidentiality. Otherwise people are going to be reticent to share their hearts. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Write this down as #3. Friendships need good communication. They need integrity and trust. They also need selfless humility.

3) Friendships require selfless humility (18:9–12)

Solomon says in verse 9, 

9 Whoever is slack in his work is a brother to him who destroys. 

The next few verses feel very random. And they address a few different issues. Verse 9 deals with indolence. Verse 10 deals with dependence on the Lord. Verse 11 deals with the instability of riches. And verse 12 deals with pride. What connects these verses together? 

Well it’s hard to say. But I’m going to use the language of “selfless humility.” If someone is selfless, they’re not going to be slack in their work, because they know that someone else is going to have to pick up that slack. 

Also if someone is humble, they are going to trust in the Lord as a strong tower. They aren’t going to trust in their riches. Their heart will be humble not haughty. And humility comes before honor.

Verse 10 is one of only two references to Yahweh in this entire chapter. [The other one is verse 22 where a man who finds a wife obtains favor from Yahweh.] And like I’ve said already, Solomon likes to sprinkle references to Yahweh (the Lord) throughout this book as periodic reminders that this is not just a book about “common sense principles” to live your best life now. No, everything in this book flows from a posture of God-fearing. And verse 10 makes that clear.

10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe. 

This verse sounds more like Psalms than Proverbs. This sounds more like Solomon’s father, David, than Solomon (e.g. Ps 18:2; 61:3; 62:2–3; 91:2). 

A tower in the ancient world was the epitome of safety and security. You could see enemies coming from a long distance in a tower. You were protected in a tower from most ancient weapons: swords, clubs, arrows, etc. 

There were no bombs or gunpowder in the ancient world. And there were no drone strikes or missiles fired on towers in the ancient world. So Solomon is saying here, “The name of the Lord is like the iron dome missile defense system.” The righteous man runs to the Lord and is safe.

Paul says similarly in Romans 10:13, “Whoever calls on the Name of the Lord will be saved.” We might die a gruesome death in this life, like the Apostle Paul did. But our eternity in the Lord’s presence is safe and secure. 

But compare that to a wealthy man who trusts in his wealth instead of the Lord. Solomon says about him in verse 11, 

11 A rich man’s wealth is his strong city, and like a high wall in his imagination. 

The key word in that passage is “imagination.” He thinks his wealth is a strong city. He imagines his wealth as a strong tower. But that wall isn’t impregnable. And that rich man’s wealth, unlike faith in Christ, won’t garner him anything in the life to come.

Look at verse 12.

12 Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. 

When I look for friendships in my life, I look for two things. I look for humility. And I look for God-fearing. And oftentimes those two things go hand in glove. Because someone who loves God and fears God and follows God, is less inclined to think highly of themselves. The more a person knows God, the less they think of themselves! 

Because if you really know God, if you are really familiar with his Word and how the God of the Universe is presented here, it’s difficult to stay prideful. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Write this down as #4. 

4) Friendships require active listening (18:13–19)

Solomon says in verse 13, 

13 If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame. 

Don’t you just love it when people jump to conclusions. Don’t you just love it when people try to make judgments before they really listen to the issue. We don’t think those people are so intelligent, they don’t need all the information to make a decision. No, we think they are rude. We think they are bad listeners. And we think they are presumptuous.

Look at verse 14.

14 A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? 

That’s true. Broken bones will heal quicker than broken spirits. And a physical sickness will pass a lot quicker than depression or anxiety.

15 An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. 

Intelligence is a matter of the heart and of the ear long before it’s a matter of the mouth. You don’t talk yourself into wisdom or intelligence. Like, “Maybe if I just keep talking, I’ll eventually say something intelligent?” No, you listen. And you learn. And you acquire knowledge. And that takes time and patience. I wish sometimes that I could download wisdom and knowledge onto my heart’s hard-drive. But that’s not how this works. These things take time and patience. 

Look at verse 16.

16 A man’s gift makes room for him and brings him before the great. 

17 The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him. 

It’s always dangerous to get only one side of the story. The “he said/she said” dilemma is real. I’ve negotiated enough conflicts to figure that out. And what I’ve found too is that it’s often the one who states the case first who is the guiltier of the two. Not always. But often that’s the case. The one who has the axe to grind… the one who is looking to publicize a matter… the one who states his or her case first is often the one who is the most culpable in a matter. And adjudication requires wisdom, patience, and discernment. 

And when there’s nothing left to adjudicate, here’s a way forward. Look at verse 18.

18 The lot puts an end to quarrels and decides between powerful contenders. 

Can I just state here publicly, that there is a place sometimes for paper, rock, scissors. Sometimes it’s best to just cast lots and settle a matter. We see that even in the Bible on occasion (e.g. 1 Chr 26:13–16; Acts 1:26). There’s even the mysterious use of the Urim and Thummim by the priests (Exod 28:30). 

Listen, I don’t think that lot-casting and their equivalents in the modern world should be your first recourse when there’s a dispute. But if there’s an impasse… if there’s no way forward with a dispute or with decision making… and if there’s no other way to reach a resolution, just roll the dice and be done with it.

Here’s how we settle things in pickup basketball. Whenever there’s a call that could go either way… whenever there’s a dispute over an issue… we don’t have referees in pick-up games. What we do is we just shoot for it. You shoot a three-pointer. If you make it, you win the call. If you miss it, you lose the call. And everyone has to abide by the results of the shot. Everyone has to have buy-in. If it wasn’t for that, we’d just argue about calls all day, and we’d never play basketball. Sometimes we do that anyways. 

And speaking of disputes and contentions, look at verse 19.

19 A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, 

Solomon was no stranger to a “brother offended.” One of Solomon’s brothers (Absalom) actually killed another one of his brothers (Amnon). I can imagine that in David’s household there were disputes and grievances galore. And when a brother is offended, he is more unyielding than a strong city. 

19 A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle.

When Solomon says “quarrelling” in verse 19, he’s not talking about an argument or a minor disagreement. He uses a word there that means a “hostile dispute.” It literally has the idea of breaking out or bursting forth, like the water metaphor in 17:14, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.”

People who love contentiousness more than peace lock themselves inside a prison. Some married couples have destroyed their marriage because they cared more about being right than they cared about the marriage. They cared more about winning the fight than they cared about the peace of their home. And their spouse becomes as unyielding as a strong city. Don’t do that! Learn to love peace. Learn to seek peace and pursue it. 

This is a tricky one for me, because I, like some of you, enjoy a good debate. I enjoy a good argument. Sometimes I like to play devil’s advocate just to stir the pot and get the critical-thinking juices flowing. I don’t think that’s all bad. And there’s even a verse in the OT that says, “come let us reason together” (Isa 1:18). And one of the ways to translate that word “reason” in Isaiah is with the verb “argue” or even “dispute.” 

But what we have described here is not a generous and excitable exchange of ideas. But instead an overly-zealous contentiousness or an overly-zealous cantankerousness! This is a person who’s looking for a fight and wanting a fight! They love drama. They love friction. They love going at it with other people. Don’t be that kind of person! 

Let me say it this way – learn to love peace. The Apostle Paul said, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom 12:18). The Apostle Peter said, “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Pet 3:11). I’m personally okay with arguing ideas and debates and even doing that vigorously. I have, I think, I high capacity for conflict and critical thinking, and I have a deep desire to wrestle through issues corporately. And I’m willing to fight it out, so to speak, when I argue my opinion. But!… and here’s the key… But not at the expense of peace. Not at the expense of friendships and relationships. I’d rather lose the argument (or postpone the argument) for the sake of peace, and preserve the friendship. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally, write this down as #5. 

5) Friendships require spiritual intimacy (18:20–24)

Solomon says in verse 21, 

20 From the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach is satisfied; he is satisfied by the yield of his lips.

21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. 

Literally, verse 21 reads “Death and life are in the [hand] of the tongue.” That’s a fascinating mix of metaphors. Tongues don’t literally have hands, but they do have the power to determine the course of our lives.

Does Solomon mean us to take this physically or spiritually? Is he talking about physical life and death in this world? Or spiritual life and death in the world to come? I think both. In other words, a foolish person can put his life in jeopardy with a loose tongue. But he can also save himself with a wise tongue. There’s a present-world reality to this. 

But we know also that the tongue confesses what the heart believes. Jesus said, “for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt 12:37). Paul said that it is with our mouths that we confess Jesus as Lord while also believing in our hearts that God raised from the dead (Rom 10:9–10). In other words, there’s no such thing as silent Christianity. There’s no such thing as secret faith. Those who believe talk. And they say the right things. 

Jesus said, “Everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven” (Matt 10:32–33). And if you truly have been saved by the blood of Jesus, how could you be silent about that? How could you fail to express your love and your gratitude and your affiliation to him?

And speaking of gratitude, look at verse 22.

22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. 

The Hebrew is מָצָ֣א אִ֭שָּׁה מָ֣צָא ט֑וֹב. Literally it says, “He finds wife; He finds good.” That sounds like a Hebrew caveman, doesn’t it? And your wife, husbands, should be your closest companion. She should be your closest relationship, and dare I say it, closest friend! 

By the way, there are illusions here to Genesis. When Adam didn’t have a helpmate, that was not good (טוֹב). Now we see that finding a wife is “good” (טוֹב).

23 The poor use entreaties, but the rich answer roughly. 

Why do rich people have few friends sometimes. Here’s why. They don’t need them… or so they think. They are rough with people because they can get away with it. Those who don’t have money have to build friendships. That’s one of the advantages of not having wealth. And one of the disadvantages of having wealth is that you think you are stronger and more independent than you actually are. 

24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, 

In the book of Jeremiah, King Zedekiah had many friends and counselors. His friends told him to fight against Babylon. Jeremiah, the prophet of the Lord, told him to surrender. Zedekiah listened to his lousy friends instead of Jeremiah, and that led to his demise. And Jeremiah said about that, “Your trusted friends have deceived you and prevailed against you; now that your feet are sunk in the mud, they turn away from you” (38:22). 

Remember what that bear said at the beginning of this message? “You need some better friends.” Zedekiah needed better friends. And speaking of better friends, Solomon says. 

24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. 

A friend will help you move, just like your brother, but he’ll be nice about it. Your brother might drive you to the airport. But a friend, a true friend, will take you, and he won’t resent you for it. 

By the way the word “friend” here is the word אָהַב in Hebrew. It means one who loves and has affection based on a close relationship. And this description of this friendship is very intimate and close-knit and tightly bound together. Think David and Jonathan in the OT. Think Jesus and his disciples, especially the three: Peter, James, and John. Think Frodo and Samwise Gamgee! If you didn’t cry a little bit when Sam carried Frodo up the slopes of Mount Doom, you may not have a soul. 

Why does this say, “A man of many companions may come to ruin?” Well think about social media. “I’ve got 700 friends on Facebook, Pastor Tony.” Yeah, me too. But those aren’t Proverbs 18:24 friends. Those aren’t “real friendships.” And that’s not a slam against Facebook or Twitter or whatever. Those social media platforms have their place. But if that’s your only source of friendship and companionship, that is sad and pathetic. Because those relationships are so surface-level and superficial, you’ll never have a Proverbs 18:24 friend, that is one who sticks closer than a brother. Those kinds of friendships are forged elsewhere. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’ll close with this. Like I said already, I believe that Christians should have the deepest and most meaningful friendships in this world.

And here’s why I say that. Here’s the argument by C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves. Lewis states that “friendship arises out of mere companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” 

So Lewis says friendship arises out of shared interest and a shared pursuit. And he says, “That is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends [because] friendship must be about something. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow travelers.” 

So if Lewis is right (and I think he is), that friendship rises out of common interest and shared experience, then why would I say that “Christians should have the deepest and most meaningful friendships in this world?” Here’s why. Because Christians share the most meaningful and the most amazing thing in common! Christians share Christ. Christians share “the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph 4:3). 

Christians also share a profound mission statement given by Christ. Jesus said, “Go make disciples.” And our pursuit of that world-altering mission is the basis for the strongest friendships in the world. In the past 2,000 years, I believe, the strongest friendships have been formed around this Christian mission. 

By the way, Christianity is the only religion/worldview that actually believes that friendship goes on into eternity. The Eastern religions believe that we just get absorbed into Nirvana into nothingness. The Secular/atheistic worldview says that we just return to dirt and cease to exist. But Christianity believes that friendship, your friendship with Christ and your friendship with other believers will last for eternity. 

Actually think about this for a moment. Your marriage, if you are married, won’t last forever. Jesus made it clear that there’s no marriage in heaven (Matt 22:23–33). Also your parenting of your children won’t last forever. You won’t be married or be parenting in eternity. But you will have friends!

And all of this was made possible by a God who loved us so much that he came to earth and died for his friends. Tell me if you’ve heard this before: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). That’s what Jesus did for us. And Jesus offers you friendship with God and friendship, true friendship, with other believers. 

Taught by Tony Caffey

Senior Pastor of Verse By Verse Fellowship

Proverbs